Tons of Morons Have Wasted $10 Million Donating To Another Moron’s Presidential Campaign

Representatives from the Ben Carson 2016 campaign are positively beaming. According to records released by the campaign, the neurosurgeon took in about $10 million in donations for the month of October. While that number is down about $2 million from September, it still gives him a very impressive total — about $30 million —  for the last four months. Carson’s fundraising is a Republican record for presidential campaigns.

“We couldn’t be more excited about Dr. Carson’s fundraising accomplishments,” William Singer, Deputy Assistant Campaign Coordinator for Carson, told reporters at a press conference earlier in the week. Singer said that Carson’s strategy of “saying really dumb, historically inaccurate and downright Islamaphobic and homophobic stuff every chance he gets” seems to be paying off with a key demographic the campaign targeted from the start — morons.

Morons make up roughly 53% of the Republicans surveyed in most national polls, which is born out in a recent national poll that gave Carson 29% and Trump 23% of the respondents’ support. Singer says that the fight for the votes of people who “think climate change is a hoax or even a conspiracy theory” and “people who genuinely to this day think that Obama is a secret Muslim socialist” are vital to Carson’s cause.

“There are a lot of scared, old white people in the country, and by our count about 800,000 of them have already donated to our mission,” Singer said at the press conference. “Morons are the ones who think that spending more than we spent on Watergate investigating Benghazi is a good thing. Morons are the ones who are telling Republican congressmen to shut down the entire Federal government over their complete misunderstanding of how fetal tissue research works,” Singer elaborated, “and these morons are essential to the survival of the party, sure, but also the success of a man who compares literally everything to slavery, most especially when the comparison makes absolutely no logical sense.”

Donald Trump’s campaign released a statement after Carson’s announcement of his October campaign haul that congratulated Dr. Carson for his success but also admonished him not to get too cocky. “I have lost more money on bad business deals with my name on them than anyone else in this campaign,” Trump’s statement said, “and I have the bankruptcy court orders to prove it. I’m self-funding my campaign, because I don’t need a bunch of loser money co-mingling with my winner money, but I will say this: I do hope that the morons who support us will switch their allegiance over to either one of us, when the inevitable happens and one of us has to drop out.  Which will be you. Because I’m a winner, and winner’s never lose or quit or have anything bad happen to them ever.”

“Ultimately, we cannot win without the support of morons who think they have to take their country back from people who just happened to help a candidate they hate win an election,” Singer told reporters as the press conference was wrapping up.

“Morons are what made this Republican Party great. Morons are the ones who honestly thought that rigging the tax code so that the super-wealthy would get super-wealthier would provide abundance for everyone, and not just result in money never leaving the One Percent,” Singer said, continuing to add, “Morons are the ones that think you can bomb your way to security, and that somehow magically we could have gotten a better deal with Iran on their nuclear program if only a hard-line, hard nosed military hawk asshole had been leading the negotiations. Without the support of the kinds of morons who honestly think that you stop abortions by putting pregnant women and doctors in jail we can’t win. So we just hope these morons keep finding spare change in their couch cushions and sending it to us; morons will unite and take this country back from the elitist, education loving liberals, and that is undeniable fact.”