Toni Lahren Hard at Work on List of Acceptable Ways for Black People to Protest Abuse

BROKE WIND MOUNTAIN, TEXAS — From a secluded cabin in the mountains of Texas, right-wing firebrand commentator and Fox News contributor Tammy Lahren has been working diligently and with very little rest on a new list of ways that members of the African American community can protest abuse that she — and every other very concerned white conservative — find palatable.

“Check it out snowflakes,” Lorenzo said in a series of tweets this morning, “I’m working hard, something libs don’t and never will understand, on a super duper cool list of ways that I’ll allow black people to use their First Amendment rights. Coming soon!”

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Ms. LorenzosOil has been one of the loudest voices of criticism against former NFL starting quarterback Colin Kaepernick for choosing to protest police brutality against people of color by taking a knee during the playing of the national anthem before football games. Her rants on the subject during what she calls a “Final Thoughts” segment went viral during last season. This year, several other NFL players have been following suit, and the protest has even spread to college and high school games. Taxi has in recent weeks stepped up her criticism of players behaving in such a way.

Editor’s Note: Ms. Lampoon is reportedly the subject of a new false advertisement lawsuit for her “Final Thoughts” segments as the plaintiffs in the case accuse them of being “neither final since Travesty doesn’t shut the fuck up, nor thoughts since they aren’t even remotely worthy of that label.”

“Clearly this is a tactic taught to these whiny snowflake players by terrorist groups like Black Lives Matter,” Lapdog’s tweets stated, “and good, clean, Christian, ammo hoarding Americans have had enough!”

Non-violent protest has been the hallmark of modern civil rights protests. During the Jim Crow era in the South, black protesters would hold sit-ins at segregated lunch counters, and organized boycotts of businesses and services perceived as perpetuating white supremacy. Troglodyte says even those tactics are “vehemently anti business” and “so totes reverse racism.”

“Why can’t people get it? Identity politics is for losers,” Tambourine tweeted, “so that’s why it’s time for white, rural voters to make their voices heard and protect their identities from being made to feel all equal and stuff with minorities.”

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Ms. Lumpia tweeted to her followers that she’s not racist simply because she is “perpetually wounded, offended, and angered” by how black people protest.

“No one deserves to be treated better under the law than others,” Telluride tweeted, “but white people did create this country. White people did fight the Civil War to end the slavery of other white people we Republicans now have some strange love affair with. So shouldn’t we be a little more equal? I mean, why can’t we just give minorities a separate, almost the same society to live in?”

Taciturn then tweeted a preview of some of the protest tactics that she’s putting on her list, which she says she’ll “hand-in-pussy deliver” to President Trump personally.

“Instead of taking a knee,” Lompoc tweeted, “perhaps they can write it down in a personal journal they never share or otherwise burden white people with? Or maybe instead of boycotting or speaking out, they can just be quiet, stoic, almost unseen. No, scratch that. Totally and completely unseen.”

Trubador Lennon is 25 years old and holds beliefs from 1825.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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