Tomi Lahren Volunteers To Let Trump Grab Her ‘By The Pussy’

Alt-right commentator Tomi Lahren isn’t quite a household name, yet, but she is rapidly making a name for herself on Glen Beck’s “The Blaze,” an online content production company with a decidedly right-wing bent. A few weeks back, Lahren reached super-viral status with her “Final Thoughts” rant about San Francisco 49er quarterback Colin Kaepernick’s National Anthem protest. Lahren has been particularly critical of the Republican Party establishment in the wake of the now infamous Trump Tapes’ release.

On an episode of her show this week, Lahren told her viewers she was willing to “let Donald Trump grab [her] by the pussy” to prove that it was something “every God fearing, ammo-hoarding patriot” would prefer to casting a vote for any Democrat, but particularly Hillary Rodham Clinton, Trump’s opponent.

“I don’t get what all this whiny crap about a little non-consensual puss grabbing action is all about, ” Lahren shouted into the camera, her words flying from her mouth at record speeds, “because I’d much rather defend a rich, entitled, out of touch sexual predator than cast a single vote for a Democrat. That’s, like, way gross you guys!”

During another episode earlier in the week, Ms. Lahren insisted that if people were offended by Trump’s extremely lewd and graphic commentary it was their own faults for listening. Tomi says being groped, fondled, kissed, or otherwise sexually harassed against your will is a “small price to pay” for keeping Hillary Clinton out of office.

“I would do anything, literally anything, to keep Hillary out of office,” Lahren said, “because that’s my patriotic duty. We all know that a Democratic president sucks, and a female Democratic president would literally be the worst thing ever in the history of, like, everything guys!”

In order to demonstrate “just how not a big a deal this pussy grabbing thing is,” Ms. Lahren then told her audience she was willing to let Trump grab her by hers.

“I don’t give an eff, y’all,” Lahren said, “if it takes me letting Donald Trump grab me by the pussy to show you all how just how not a big a deal this pussy grabbing thing is, then so be it. After all, if the choice is a little pussy grabbing or HILLARY CLINTON as president, well, you know, sign my pussy up.”

When one of Tomi’s guests told her that she wasn’t really getting the point, because Trump was talking about doing things to women against their wishes while Lahren was volunteering to be sexualized, she became even more angry then usual.

“Oh please,” Lahren snapped, “whatever. As a woman and proud gender traitor — because really, women don’t need to be in control of their bodies or get paid equally — I can assure you that a little sexual assault between friends is just not that much a biggie, you guys!”

Ultimately, Lahren says it’s “patriotism and love of this great land” that is moving her to volunteer to let Trump grab her by the genitals.

“Would Paul Revere have stayed at home if instead of riding his horse he had to get his pussy grabbed to alert his countrymen that the British were coming,” Lahren asked, “and would the great Civil War president Jeff Davis have come so close to beating back Lincoln’s War of Aggression if he didn’t grab a few pussies in his day? I will not shirk my patriotic duty. My intense patriotism and love of this land has convinced me that a Democratic president is, like, literally more worser than the Holocaust or whatever, so yes, I am willing to show all you bleeding heart libtards and Never Trumpers just how painless it is to have a giant, orange douchebag pinch my labia between his thumb and forefinger. For America, guys! FOR AMERICA.”

The Trump campaign issued a one word statement in response to Lahren’s volunteering to be grabbed by her genitalia.

“Okay,” the press release simply stated.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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