ATLANTA, GEORGIA — With Super Bowl XLIII in the books, and his team once again world champions, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was asked as he exited the locker room last night what kept his spirits up during a grueling, low-scoring affair that some have already called one of his least productive performances in the big game.
“Well, I wasn’t having a record-setting day out there, that’s for sure,” Brady told reporters. “These things happen though. Sometimes you have an off day. Maybe you’re just not feeling 100% when you show up. Maybe your tapes team didn’t get a chance to sneak into the other team’s practice to record it. Maybe the equipment guys didn’t get your text about deflating the balls. You still have to gut it out, and give your all, leave it all out on the field, and reach down deep inside yourself for the inspiration to do that.”
Brady told reporters that the source for his inspiration came from a “bigly friend in even biglier places.”
“Before the game, coach and I got a call from the White House, and the president told us that he was making the team the same offer he made the Clemson Tigers,” Brady explained. “We go to the White House, pretend he’s not terrible at everything he does — as someone who wears MAGA hats this is very easy for me — and in exchange we get all the cold, greasy, fast food we can eat! I have never heard of such a wonderful treat for elite athletes in my life!”
Patriots owner Bob Kraft and Trump go way back, and Kraft was one of the first big names to endorse the alleged billionaire’s presidential campaign. Soon, the Patriots’ coach Bill Belichick and Brady were among those who also endorsed his campaign. Brady was famously interviewed with a MAGA hat in a locker behind him during the 2016 primary season. But it was the promise of a “crap ton of coagulated hamberders and fries” that kept Brady’s mind and spirit focused on winning the big game yesterday.
“Every time we’d have a play not go right, or when I threw that interception in the first drive, I’d just close my eyes and picture walking into the White House,” Brady told reporters, “and seeing a mountain of Big Macs. A pile of Fillets o’ Fish! You name it, it’ll be there! And that kind of royal treatment is something a multimillionaire with a supermodel wife just isn’t used to getting every day.”
Thus far, the official invitation has not been sent to the Patriots, but President Trump says he’s already acquired a list of their favorite McNugget dipping sauces.
“So we are way ahead of the curve this time around,” Trump said proudly as he entered the Oval Office for sixteen hours of executive time today. “We think they’re really going to love how much Hot Mustard we have on hand for them.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.