Toddler NRA Member: Who the hell is Obama to say I shouldn’t have a gun?

BEAVER FALLS, IDAHO — Preston Gilliam is 3-years-old and a self described “right-wing, pro-liberty, anti-statism libertarian,” just like his father Paul. Preston is already a member of the National Rifle Association because when he was born, his father went right out and did two things — bought his son his first semi-automatic rifle and a lifetime membership in the NRA. “College is something a kid only needs if they want to have a career where book learnin’ is key,” Paul told us of his gifts, “but every kid will need a high-powered rifle and membership in an organization dedicated to every man, woman, child, and fetus owning one too.”

President Obama’s recent remarks as he was introducing new executive orders on gun control rankled Paul, but perhaps surprisingly, it incensed young Preston. “How can that widdle socialist dictate-oo do this to we law abiding, ammo hoarding American citizens,” Preston asked between sips on a cup of apple juice. “He’s up there,” he pressed on, “telling people that if we can keep a kid from opening an aspirin bottle, we can keep them from getting a gun, but I ask you this — who the hell is Obama to say I shouldn’t have a gun?”

“It’s bad enough the Statist in Chief implied that 3-year-olds shouldn’t have the same liberty to take a pill as we can,” Paul said, “but to tell my kid, to break his heart at such a young age by saying he shouldn’t handle deadly weaponry just because of some libtarded view of guns? That’s a peachy offence you could totally in-peach him for that if you ask me. And I know my Constitution; I keep it here in my britches.”  He showed our reporter a pocket-sized copy of the Constitution.

Paul and Preston told our interviewer that they have already sent two strongly worded letters — one in crayon, and the other an email — to President Obama personally demanding he resign. If he doesn’t, they say their next step is to petition their Senator, and then finally the NRA because as Paul put it, “they’re one of the few institutions in America that politicians listen to.” Then he said he thinks since he decided to use a navy blue crayon that Obama will get how serious he was because as the father said, “Nothing says you mean business like scrawling a screed in Crayola.”

“Here’s the fing,” Preston said as the interview was closing up so he could take a nap, “I just want that Sha-wee-ah loving Muslin to show me where in the Constitution it says the Second Amendment only applies to adults. It doesn’t, and as a Constitutional owiginist, I beweev in society only being governed by the rules and practices of the 19th cent-too-wee. If Obama doesn’t want to live like that, he should go back to Kenya so America can get back to a time 200 years before I was borned! God Bwess America!”

Reached for comment, one White House aide told the press that they did in fact received Preston’s letter and they actually had no idea it came from a toddler. “Because it was pretty much on par intellectually with what we receive from Republican adults all day every day,” the aide said.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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