COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Marking a change in current trends, a school board in a red state has voted not to ban books from the classroom, but rather to approve two books. However, the books selected by the Cold Cave Hills Unified school board will be the only two books permitted to be referenced by teachers, no matter the subject being taught.

“In this state, we know that it’s vital to keep our children from hearing things that might make their special little mayo loving hearts feel sad. We don’t want our beautiful, cherubic, melanin-free children learning any guilt about their wonderful skin tone, or to question whether or not society has really torn down the systemic structures and institutions of racism to begin with,” Board Supervisor Jethro Bohiggins told us in a Skype call.

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“The simple truth here is that kids don’t need nothin’ their parents don’t have at home. In this state, that means two books — and only two. The Holy Bible and its much better sequel, The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump. If it ain’t in those two books, ain’t no reason for it to be taught in our classrooms, period. No matter what some socialist commie cuck in Washington might say to the contrary.”

Bohiggins and the majority of his fellow board members took the vote last night after what he called “weeks of public outrage” that no action was being taken.

“Here’s what we know for a fact — ain’t no CRT in the Bible. Ain’t no woke commie bullshit in The Art of the Deal. Every day that passes where teachers can teach things from so-called science and history books is a day that George Soros and the Libtarded Forces of America could indoctrinate them with facts and reality-based lesson plans,” Bohiggins said, holding back tears.

“Nothing is more dangerous to traditional conservative values than fact-based education. Nothing is more better for socialism than for good, clean, ammo hoarding, rhythm deficient Americans to turn a blind eye to the indoctrination happening in our schools! That’s why kids belong in Sunday school or listening to Dan Bongino’s show with their parents, and that’s it! THAT IS IT!”

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