Congress Commissions Tiny Bible For Trump’s Inauguration

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) will be presenting dual bills to their respective chambers of Congress this week. The bills are specially marked for one purpose — replacing the Bible upon which Donald Trump will be sworn in as our country’s 45th president.

“We realized shortly after the race was called for President-elect Trump,” Ryan told reporters at a pancake breakfast this weekend, “that the current Bible is just far, far too big, and we had to act quickly to provide the necessary funding for having a tiny Bible created for this momentous occasion.”

Speaker Ryan said he made several phone calls to various printers. One thought he had was to have the new inaugural Bible stripped of anything that Trump simply didn’t abide by.

“I figured if we took out all the Christian stuff that he just flat-out doesn’t adhere to, that would surely make the Bible small enough,” Ryan said, “but we ran into a problem when that left us with a cover and a table of contents.”

Mr. Ryan says that after an exhaustive search, he found a company that makes pocket-sized bibles that are only two inches by two inches square. After calling Trump’s personal jeweler for the last forty years, Speaker Ryan confirmed that size Bible should work “with plenty of room to spare.”

“It’s imperative this historic administration starts off on the right foot, or hand if you will,” McConnell told the press outside the car wash he takes his shell to be waxed every third Sunday of the year, “and in order for that to happen, we knew we had to get that swear-in Bible size issue fixed pronto.”

McConnell told reporters he considers getting the tiny Bible procured to be “the highest priority of any Congress ever.”

“This is more important than health care, or any so-called liberal program aimed at helping people,” McConnell said, “and we have to show the American people we are not a one-size-fits-all operation.”

Current raw vote counts show that President-elect Trump secured roughly half a million fewer votes than Hillary Rodham Clinton in last week’s election. The Electoral College will certify the election results in December, and that is also the time that four special horseback riders will arrive in D.C. They’ll be taking Trump and his wife Melania up to the dais upon which he’ll be sworn-in.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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