Tillerson Corrects the Record: ‘I Called Him an Incompetent, Batshit Crazy, Tiny Handed, Thin Orange Skinned, Miscreant and Moron’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and President Donald Trump’s relationship is, according to several news outlets, experiencing some turbulence. As reported by NBC News, Tillerson was reportedly close to tendering his resignation over a tumultuous summer that saw multiple kerfuffles between he and the White House. The NBC report indicated that the tensions between Trump and Tillerson rose to such a fever pitch that Vice President Pence was forced to step away from his work registering every woman’s vulva, cervix, and uterus to intervene and keep Tillerson in the cabinet. Secretary Tillerson would deny that element of the story in a hasty, unscheduled press conference yesterday morning.

Just days earlier, Tillerson had openly disparaged the president, referring to him as a “moron,” after a July 20 meeting at the Pentagon with members of Trump’s national security team and Cabinet officials, according to three officials familiar with the incident. (NBC)

This morning, at another press conference, Tillerson further clarified the record. Sources say Trump called Secretary Tillerson at just after 2 AM and told him to be even more precise with the media as to what Tillerson had said about Trump. The Secretary of State agreed to hold another presser and make it “crystal clear,” according to Tillerson, what he had said in private about the president.

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“There have still been some erroneous reports out there abut what I’ve said or not said about the president,” Tillerson said, “and let me be crystal clear. I never called him a moron.”

Tillerson then clarified, to the best of his knowledge, what he said.

“I called him an incompetent, batshit crazy, tiny handed, thin orange skinned miscreant and moron,” Tillerson confessed, “and if you’re not going to quite me accurately, I’d prefer it if you not quote me at all, to be perfectly honest.”

The Secretary of State pointed to the fact that Trump has seen almost zero results or any political or legislative victories for his policies in the first nine months of his administration as evidence of his incompetence. He pointed to the fact that it took prodding the president to get him to specifically condemn neo-Nazis in Charlottesville only to walk back that condemnation a day later as proof of his being “batshit crazy.”  And Tillerson mentioned Trump tweeting “fifteen thousand times more about kneeling NFL players” than he did about Puerto Rico relief efforts as evidence that he’s thin skinned.

“The orange part, of course,” Tillerson said, “is completely self evident. And I have to say, what kind of person, if not a miscreant, would defend white supremacists. And if you want proof that he’s a moron, just go Google ‘Trump looks at the sun during an eclipse.'”

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Despite his feelings on Trump, Tillerson says he will not be resigning.

“But then again, the way things go in this administration,” Tillerson admitted, “I could be already on my way out with a letter of resignation on Trump’s desk. The level of bullshit and chicanery in this administration makes it so that only a true fool would take anything that comes out of it at face value.”

This story is developing.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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