Tiffany Trump Files Paperwork to Become “Tiffany Not-Trump”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Throughout the first six tumultuous months of the Donald Trump presidency, it’s not just been the D-List reality TV celebrity himself that’s been in the headlines — most of his children have been as well. But there’s one Trump offspring that has managed to stay conspicuously out of the limelight; his daughter Tiffany. Now, word is that Ms. Trump has not only been making a concerted effort not to be too closely tied in the media to her brothers, sister-mother, or father, she’s also in the middle of making a permanent distinction between herself and the rest of her family.

In paperwork filed with the State of New York, Tiffany cites “the galling and unrelenting stupidity and dearth of morality constantly put on display” by her family since January as the primary reason that

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“Eric’s stealing from kids with cancer, Don Junior’s committing attempted treason and collusion, Ivanka’s selling cheap shit and sitting in Daddy’s chair at the completely inappropriate times. What choice do I have but to get the fuck away from all those loony dipshits.”

Tiffany’s paperwork indicates she’s seeking to add three letters and and a hyphen to her last name. The request states that Ms. Trump wants to make the separation between her and her family as “clear as possible.” The name “Tiffany Not-Trump” does that most effectively, she says.

“Being related to that family has always been a bit of a curse,” court records show Tiffany states, “but being on a shitty scripted reality-TV show, or being the butt of pop culture reference jokes for twenty years is different than being hated and reviled by most of the world because you’re a corrupt, worthless, feckless, shitty world leader. I’m over it, after just six months of this nightmare.

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Stopped on the street to discuss her attempt to change her name, Ms. Trump told reporters that it made her “sad” that she felt cornered into doing it. However, she said that she had a “really bad feeling about” her father’s presidential aspirations, even during the campaign season.

“Did you see me during the campaign? I grudgingly went out there, and I was not cozy with Dad at all. For some reason, the gene that removes your soul, conscience, and scruples as a Trump skipped me, but DJ, Eric, and Ivanka seemed to get it extra.”

The White House did not comment on this story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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