Three Dead After Mass Second Amendment Demonstration at LA Theater

LAFAYETTE, LOUISIANA — A single participant Mass Second Amendment demonstration has left three dead and nine others injured at a movie theater in Lafayette, Louisiana. Police say that at approximately 7:20pm on July 23rd, 2015 John Russel Houser entered the Grand 16 Theater while the new comedy film “Trainwreck” and began exercising his Second Amendment rights. After expressing his inalienable, Second Amendment constitutional right to a gun two people were dead and nine others were injured. It was after he had completed exercising his legally protected birthright to own a deadly firearm no matter how mentally unstable he may have been, that he demonstrated his Second Amendment rights one more time, into his own head, leaving him to be counted as the third dead body in the wake of the demonstration.

Police say that Houser’s initial plan was to enter the theater, exercise his undeniable right to own something that can help someone wantonly murder other people on as many people as he could, and then exit the theater where his car was parked out back. However, police arrived too quickly after shots were fired, and Houser ended up deciding to exercise his right to bear arms into his own brain. Several wigs and disguises were found in Houser’s motel room, and it’s unclear at this stage whether he had planned other one-man demonstrations in support of the Second Amendment in other theaters or locations where many people gather.

Should Obama comment on it, this incident marks the 16th such Mass Second Amendment expression since President Barack Obama took office in January of 2009. But Obama has not specifically addressed more than 100 other mass expressions of the Second Amendment. Other such mass expressions of every citizen’s — no matter how unhinged and mentally-ill — right to own a gun include the Aurora, Colorado shooting from 2012 that left 12 people dead and 70 more injured. The citizen who exercised his right to a firearm in that demonstration has been recently found guilty of murder.

The same year, another mass Second Amendment exercise carried out at Sandy Hook Elementary School, leaving 26 people — most of them young school children — dead as well. That shooting came just three months after a White Supremacist in Wisconsin demonstrated his Second Amendment privileges all over a Sikh temple, killing six and wounding three. The Sikh temple demonstration took place less than a month after the Aurora exercise of Second Amendment rights. In fact, 2012 was a year that saw quite a few high-profile mass Second Amendment exercises, with there being 14 mass Second Amendment demonstrations in total that year.

After the mass Second Amendment demonstration at First Emanuel AME church — one of the most historic black churches in the country — back in June of this year, President Barack Obama made some comments about the United States being the industrialized, modern nation that holds these one-man mass demonstrations of their constitutional right to own guns. This angered many on the right side of the political spectrum who view their right to own firearms as being enshrined in the Constitution with the blood of the Minute Men who fought King George’s red coats. After the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting, Obama pushed hard for gun control reforms like magazine and feeder capacity limits and universal background checks, but under pressure from the National Rifle Association, a package of gun law reforms was killed in Congress before it could reach Obama’s desk.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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