WASHINGTON, D.C. — A freshman Republican congressman has floated a rather novel idea in an attempt to “spark bipartisan dialogue and ultimately reach a compromise” on an emerging issue that seems to be roiling the nation’s capital.
“What the Mueller probe has shown us without any doubt is that there was a Deep State, Democrat led conspiracy to have lifelong Republican law enforcement officials like Bob Mueller and Rod Rosenstein help bring down President Donald Trump, who the Deep State only allowed to win so that they could in turn take him down from within,” Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) told reporters today. “And what I think it means is we have two options.”
Thompaulsen laid out what he believes the options are.
“Either we set up a special counsel run by Democrats to counter Mueller’s probe, or, and I think this is the better idea,” Thompaulsen posited, “we setup a totally separate FBI and then we separate the agents into Democrats and Republicans. Separate but equal FBIs, boom. Handled. BOO YAH!”
Rep. Thompaulsen went to get a high-five, but no one was standing next to him.
“Um, anyway,” Thompaulsen said, sheepishly tucking his hand back into his pocket, “the point is that clearly we have reached a point this country’s history where our two major political parties are so permanently entrenched against each other, that we simply cannot trust that our entire FBI isn’t compromised, all because a very sad, very angry, very clearly corrupt and self-evident conman doesn’t have to feel bad about reporters finding evidence of just how angry, corrupt, and conniving he really is.”
Those intractable differences between Republicans and Democrats mean to Thompaulsen that there should just simply be an FBI for Democrats, and FBI for Republicans. However, “in the interest of national security” only Republicans should run each branch of the new FBI.
“We know we can’t trust Democrats with anything. I mean, they’d probably gleefully work hand in glove with a fascist authoritarian regime of one of our biggest international adversaries,” Thompaulsen said. “Just so they can cravenly and cynically rip apart the progress of the last decade. What kind of cartoonishly villainous morons would do such a thing and not expect to get caught, bigly?”
The White House issued a short statement in support of Thompaulsen’s “crazy good idea.”
“In no way did we tell Tom to propose this, even if you find emails that contract that later,” the White House wrote. “So it’s really amazing that he’s proposed something like this, which we, of course, think is prolly the best idea, like, ever. And as always: FAKE NEWS, CROOKED H, BENGHAZI, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”