WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressman Tom Thompaulsen (R-KS) told reporters today that in the wake of the deadliest mass shooting in American history in Las Vegas this past Sunday night, he’s found himself having “feeling deeply conflicted” about some of the details.
“As a Republican,” Thompaulsen said, “any time I hear a story that involves firearms I get a moderate chubby in my pants and I hear the Star Spangled Banner so loudly in my head I have to stand at attention just like my penis. But obviously this story is sad because those innocent, benevolent guns were taken advantage of and used to such dubious and evil ends!”
Rep. Thompaulsen says that on the one hand he believes, as a Republican, that the Second Amendment is the only amendment in the Bill of Rights that should have no restrictions. He said that to him “it’s obvious as hell the Founders wanted every American to own thirteen guns, at a minimum.”
“One for each colony, you see,” Thompaulsen explained.
Overnight, however, Thompaulsen said that feelings of doubt and anxiety started to grow inside him. Rep. Thompaulsen said that he couldn’t quite figure out if it was a good thing or not that policies he advocated for years, slackening gun laws and making it easier and easier for ordinary citizens to wield more and more firepower, are what Stephen Paddock, the man who killed almost sixty and wounded hundreds more, took advantage of to build his cache of weapons. Paddock, one man, was able to lug ten suitcases or more, filled with various firearms and what he needed to build the two shooting platforms he used to carry out his attack.
“Obviously this guy is a beta male libtard cuck killer,” Thompaulsen said, “because I read that on 4chan and Breitbart, so I know that part is absolutely, one hundred percent true. But even then, I still have to figure out how proud I really am of helping a cold blooded murderer obtain the tools of his trade.”
Thompaulsen has sought out the counsel and advice of the people he says he “trust[s] to give [him] the whole, unfettered, unbiased truth on guns.” So he called up Wayne LaPierre at the National Rifle Association. LaPierre and the NRA gave Thompaulsen some “calm, reassuring words” that made him realize he’s “completely in the right and should have no guilt” on his conscience whatsoever.
“Funny thing is, as soon as they promised me I’d get another contribution from them for my campaign,” Thompaulsen said, “I stopped caring about whether I had the blood of hundreds on my hands, and just started thinking about where I was going to buy my second vacation home. So once again, guns just make things better, am I right?”
Congressman Thompaulsen said that after speaking with LaPierre, the two agreed on the best course of action for Thompaulsen and his fellow congressional Republicans.
“Wayne convinced me the best thing we can do about gun violence is the same thing we’ve done for years with tremendous results…for the gun manufacturers,” Thompaulsen said, “Which is, namely, not a fuckin’ thing. Because if we don’t live in a country where the mentally unstable, terrorists, and domestic abusers can’t own semi-automatic weapons, then freedom is literally dead and WE DON’T LIVE IN AMERICA ANYMORE!”
The NRA did not respond to a request for comment.