Vaccinated Bureaucrat Making Six Figure Income Has Thoughts on Your Kids Rushing Back to School

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R-MT) is “sick and tired” of America’s schools largely being closed to in-person learning. During a press conference today, Rep. Thompaulsen, who received both doses of the covid-19 vaccine as soon as it was available, urged parents to rush their kids back into schools, regardless of whether their kids teachers, or they themselves, have been vaccinated yet.

“Why are all these teachers and parents not following the science? The CDC has made it clear that if schools have all the stuff in place that they need,” Thompaulsen said, “that they can open safely. Sure, Republicans like me have kept schools so underfunded that most don’t have what the CDC says they need, and sure we keep doing everything we can to keep them getting more money to implement what the CDC says they need to implement, but they need to FOLLOW THE SCIENCE and immediately cram every kid and teacher back into overcrowded classrooms.”

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Around the country, parents have had their working hours diminished or stripped altogether if their employer couldn’t stay open due to the covid-19 outbreak. During that time, the U.S. government has only distributed two relief payments and has been arguing over how much and how long to extend unemployment benefits for. Thompaulsen, meanwhile, has faced zero financial hardships due to the coronavirus restrictions.

“Look, nobody wants to be the one to say this stuff out loud, and not because it means you’re a dick for saying it. Because of cancel culture, that’s why people are too afraid to tell it like it is, but I’m not,” Thompaulsen boasted. “If we lose a few teachers, hell even if we lose a few kids to the ‘rona, that’s all good! That is so much better than taking on debt to make sure we can pay people to stay home until we get the virus truly under control. A few thousand people dying is so much better than DEBT!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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