WASHINGTON, D.C. — State Senator Tom Thompaulsen (R) recently took a trip from his home state to the nation’s capital to meet with fellow Republican lawmakers from all around the country. Thompaulsen is a member of a select group of Republican leadership tasked with communication between the various state legislatures and the national office. Today, Thompaulsen was speaking to fellow Republicans about the spate of abortion bans that have passed recently in states such as Alabama, Georgia, Missouri, and Ohio.
Thompaulsen is steadfastly pro-life, he says, however, he’s also “willing to let women control their vaginae in rare and special occasions.”
“Such as in the case of rape, incest, or the mother being a Republican intern,” Thompaulsen explained at a press conference this morning.
Thompaulsen has been hoping to help Congressional Republicans pass legislation that would drastically reduce the legal window in which a woman can get an abortion. If signed into law by President Donald Trump, the GOP would succeed in making abortions after the 8-week mark. Rep. Thompaulsen says he generally supports “pain capable” abortion bills that outlaw abortions once a fetus could conceivably feel pain.
“Sure, a cow feels pain and Republicans kill and eat a shit ton of them,” Rep. Tompaulsen admitted, “but it’s much different because I can’t scream about dead babies when it comes to cows, can I? Hell, some of us eat veal, which is a baby cow. You’d think Republicans would all be very anti-veal, but I know a whole ton of us that love the taste of that tender, young calf meat. Wait. What was I saying? Oh right, DEADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD BAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!”
Rep. Thompaulsen shook a doll he’d be holding to represent 8-week old fetuses, which are actually much smaller and less human in appearance than the doll, vigorously.
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“But I’m no kook, I’m not a zealot,” Thompaulsen said, “I know that we can’t predict with certainty all the circumstances surrounding a pregnancy, and that’s why I support some very common sense abortion exceptions.”
Mr. Thompaulsen said that “no one with a soul” would ask a victim of rape to carry her attacker’s offspring to term, and so that exception is a “no brainer.” He also feels that incest exceptions are similarly easy to explain to even most conservative voters. His third exemption category will take a little more finesse to get his base behind though, Thompaulsen admitted.
“I’m pretty sure, though,” Thompaulsen mused, “that if I remind them that we need Republicans to win, no matter what they’re like on the inside, I can convince them to give me the Republican intern exception. We don’t want to lose a potentially great candidate just because he’s a craven, cynical, partisan hack do we? Because the choice is simple — hypocritical ass clowns or communism.”
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.