WASHINGTON, D.C. — When Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) withdrew his name from consideration to replace outgoing Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH), the general consensus on both sides of the aisle, as well as all over the political punditry spectrum, that the Republican conference in the lower chamber of Congress has been exposed to be completely and utterly consumed by chaos, and is now scrambling to find someone — anyone — both willing to take the job and who would be good at it. That search is proving to be quite difficult, as it turns out. However, one plucky flaming pile of refuse wants to ride to the country’s rescue.
Known to his friends and family as Reffy, Glenn Refuse McGee has been a flaming bag of trash his entire life. He describes himself as a moderate that “leans left on social issues” but he says he’d be willing to work with both sides of the aisle to find compromise. On gun control, he feels that “the time has come to enact universal background checks on every single transfer of firearms” and he supports limitations on the capacity of ammunition magazines, but he says that “confiscation makes zero sense on any level” because “there are too many guns and people are far too entrenched in their belief they need them” to make forcefully taking anyone’s guns away a possibility.
“It sounds like a really crappy job to be honest with you,” Reffy told reporters at a press conference held in the alley behind a D.C. area bar that he was discovered in. He said though, that he “figured it might be the one place” his “natural odor of flaming diaper shit and rotting vegetable matter would be the least offensive personality trait in all of Congress.”
When asked what compelled him to put his name into the hat, Reffy told reporters, “I just figured that literally no one more qualified than me was going to win anyway.” The flaming trash pile made sure to tell reporters that he doesn’t think either Republicans or Democrats are really “trying to do anything close to governing” anymore, so he wasn’t necessarily picking sides. “Although,” Reffy said, “let’s be real. Watching the Republicans waste millions chasing their tails on Benghazi and about to spend even more millions doing the same thing to Planned Parenthood makes you realize there is one party that is acting more insane and stupidly these days.”
While most pundits aren’t sure an inanimate bag of garbage set on fire will get the 218 votes necessary to become speaker, some aren’t so quick to write him off. “Let’s face it,” said liberal pundit Michael Baggson, “Newt Gingrich pretty much set the precedent for putrid piles of garbage being Speaker, so this guy’s got a real shot, if you ask me.”