The Political Garbage Chute’s Republican Debate Drinking Game

Have you noticed that for every televised presidential debate now there has to be a drinking game associated with it? They seemed to really pick up steam in the 2012 election. Maybe it was because the Republican Party held roughly six hundred and thirty five debates the year before the election, and we all felt like we needed to be crocked when we were watching them, or maybe presidential debate drinking games have been a tried and true part of American politics since the famous Lincoln-Douglass Beer Pong matches? We’ll probably never know, because there is no way of possibly knowing that.

In the meantime though, we here at The Political Garbage Chute decided to put together our own little Republican Debate Drinking game, and here are the rules.

  1. Turn on the TV, tune to CNBC, Hit Self in Head With Semi-Firm Dildo
    You are now totally ready to watch the debates with the same clear-headed attention of the GOP base.
  2. Take two shots every time Carly Fiorina says “Rest Assured” and follows it with total bullshit.
    You’ll be dead by the end of her opening remarks.
  3. Make your friend finish their drink every time Donald Trump answers a question with a smug grin, dismissive tone and no specifics.
    But only if you want your friend in an alcohol-poisoned coma for the rest of their life.
  4. Any time any of the candidates blame the government for anything, take a shot.
    Because this is your last night on Earth.
  5. Whenever Rand Paul acts like he’s smarter than everyone on the stage and then says something dumb, take a shot.
    Don’t worry, no one takes this crackpot seriously, so he won’t get enough screen time for this one to do much harm to you.
  6. Take a shot every time a candidate says “Hillary Clinton” like the “N” Word.
    For some of the candidates (and some of their base), we’re pretty sure they use the words interchangeably.
  7. Every time one of the candidates blames Obama for ISIS and ignores the Iraq War’s role in their rise, take three shots.
    They might be so obsessed with Planned Parenthood they don’t even mention foreign policy, but don’t bet on it.
  8. Whenever someone on the dais says “Benghazi,” everyone at the party drinks.
    But only from empty cups, to symbolize the meaninglessness of the Benghazi hearings.
  9. Take a shot every time Ronald Reagan is mentioned.
    You have to let the shot trickle down your throat.
  10. Don’t watch this utter shit-show and instead just grab that bottle of scotch and drink it while watching old “Cheers” episodes on Netflix.
    Seriously, there is over a year left before the election. There are still 14 Republican candidates. You can probably start paying attention to this idiocy in another six months and not miss much. All they’re going to do is hand red meat rhetoric to their base. You could literally stand in front of a mirror and say, “Blah blah blah communism, blah blah government, blah blah taxes, blah” and glean more useful information than you’ll get watching all three hours of the debate.
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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