HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA — Reports out of Tinseltown are that a new remake of a classic comedy film has just been green lighted. “The Jerk,” starring Steve Martin has long been regarded as one of the best comedic films of all time, starring one of the most talented comedians of all time. Wanting to “capitalize on the buzz” surrounding Republican presidential nominee and alleged billionaire Donald J. Trump, Universal Pictures has decided to go forward with a plan to update the film and center it around Trump, giving it a new title, “The Asshole.”
“This is Hollywood,” one source very close to the deal told us, “so we’d much rather recycle something that come up with an entirely new idea. But we also really wanted to capitalize on the buzz Trump’s got going for him.”
Our source told us that everyone at the studio knew they’d have to package a Trump film in a way that felt familiar to moviegoers. Trump has buzz, but they admit that he’s a tough sell to a country that largely dislikes him. So they decided to put him in a classic comedy, to disarm audiences and get them to “come along for the ride,” the studio source says.
“We thought about putting him in a ‘Blazing Saddles’ remake,” the source told us, “but when he screen tested him, every time he’d say the N-word it didn’t read as comedy; just some old, racist bastard saying ‘nigger.’ So we found a movie with a title that already fit people’s perception of him anyway, and set about to finding a screenwriter that could squeeze the essence out of Trump’s story.”
Universal has hired Dinesh D’Souza, a conservative filmmaker and conspiracy theorist famous for his films like “Obama’s America: 2016” and a new film about Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party to write the script. D’Souza is the one who suggested changing the title from “The Jerk” to “The Asshole” because, according to our source, “people who like Trump actually like assholes, you know, like spouses in abusive relationships.”
“We knew Dinesh was our guy,” the studio source said, “because he’s already got experience telling fantastical tales of utter and complete bullshit. Which made him uniquely suited to write a movie about Donald Trump.”
Though plot details are still not settled, some basic ideas have been
“This time it’ll be the story of a rich, white guy who was born and taught to hate poor, black children,” our source tells us, “so we anticipate this film will do quite well in states Trump takes in the fall. All twelve of them.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.