We here at The Political Garbage Chute were emailed a secret copy of the demands that House Republicans will send to President Obama, detailing what they want in return for raising the debt ceiling. They decided to boil down their demands to five items they feel are the most important and pressing issues facing Americans today, and we are printing them word for word here now, for our readers’ edification.

Our 5 Debt Ceiling Demands, 2014 Q1 Edition

By the Republican Caucus of the 114th Congress

#1. Change the definition of what the Debt Ceiling actually does so we can be correct about it

Part of the problem that we Republicans are having right now is that the debt ceiling only pertains to debt we’ve already signed-off on spending. Now, we’ve got our most knuckle-draggy of constituents convinced that it’s somehow magically tied to future spending. We know it’s not, but we’re never going to convince the intelligent, sane and rational people in this country that we’re not a bunch of oligarchs unless we actually change the definition of what the Debt Ceiling is and does. So our first demand is that you change stuff to make us right because whenever “facts” get used, we tend to come out on the short end of the stick for some reason.

#2. Agree to officially rename Thursday as “Ronald Reagan Day”

If there is one thing we Republicans have gotten really good at the last few years, it’s throwing out ridiculous demands. We shut down the entire United States government over a temper tantrum about Obamacare going into effect. So we think demanding that Thursday be forever rechristened “Ronald Reagan Day” in honor of our patron saint, the man who helped us turn the tax code on its ass and ensure the crippling of the Middle Class for decades to come, is just a small price to pay for us to stop being quite so intransigent for another few weeks until the next totally pointless and self-made fiscal crisis arises.

3. Approve 16 More Keystone Pipelines, Just Because

Sure, maybe the water poisoning in West Virginia should be a cautionary tale to us about sacrificing ecology for economy, but then again, “MONEY IS AWESOME!” And if there’s anything we Republicans love, it’s helping people get more money. Well, let’s be clear. We love helping people who already have money get even more money. So while there are any number of solid, reasonable arguments against investing billions of dollars into a pipeline to carry a fossil fuel when we should be doing everything we can to get away from those dirty energy producing methods, MONEY! So let’s just pretend that we’re right and you’re wrong, and say together “Fuck the environment, let’s make some more MONEY!”

4. Declare Texas, Virginia and Florida to Be “Liberal-Free Zones”

We’re scared, okay? We admit. We’re scared. We can tell that our voting base is literally dying off from underneath us, and looking at states like Texas, Virginia and Florida, we can tell the demographics are shifting and we’re going to be assed out of those states as well. So as a condition of a few weeks off from us threatening to crater the economy, we demand that those states be declared “Liberal Free Zones”.” We also further demand that $3.2 billion be set aside to purchase guns that can be given to every new resident of those states, as well as a copy of The Bible and Ronald Reagan’s biography, which will be the only two books used to educate our children in those states.

5. Everything and Anything We Ask For (Because We’re 2 years Old)

Let’s just cut the charade shall we? We’re petulant and whiny because we won’t get our way while our party doesn’t control either the Senate or the White House. We are being run by the most fringey of fringe fringers to ever fringe. We are in desperate need of a modernization campaign, but we have too many fundies worried about gays, minorities and women being treated as something other than sub-human pond scum to really make that work. So we’ve found that the stamping our feet and fake repealing Obamacare more than forty times is our best strategy, and we’re going to ratchet that up.

In order for us to agree to raise the debt ceiling to pay off debts we signed-off on, President Obama and the Senate have to agree to everything we ask for from now until forever, even after 2016 when the next Democrat gets into the White House. Do this, or we’ll make you suffer even more, America! Wait. We mean, do this because of America, Freedom, Ammunition and Traditional Family Values, America!