5 Things Every Socialist Moocher Liberal Should Be Thankful For
by The House Republicans of the 113th Congress
It’s that time of year again. It’s Thanksgiving time — a time of great American tradition and values. So while you are participating in that great American tradition of Thanksgiving — waiting in line for deals on electronics that you are willing to stab a motherfucker for — the House Republicans of the 113th Congress would like to address the growing discontent among a certain segment of our population. Liberals. Takers. Moochers. Socialist Maobama Acolytes. Whatever we decide to call you, it seems like you’re just not happy with anything this year, and you all seem so ungrateful.
Oh boo hoo! I can’t get health care coverage because I have a preexisting condition! Oh wahhhh! I can’t afford to eat even though I work 65 hours a week!
Whine. Whine. Whine. You all just whine instead of changing your perspective and seeing just how great you really have it. So as a service to you all we, The House Republicans of the 113th Congress present to you this five point list of things that you — The Socialist Moocher Liberals of America — have to be thankful for.
#5. Your Four Jobs
There is nothing in the world more satisfying than an honest day’s work. So it would only stand to reason that four days’ honest work crammed into one would be quadruple the satisfaction. All this talk from The Takers about raising the minimum wage is clearly just an excuse to get out of working hard. Oh sure, you gripe about not being there for your family and then point to that as a reason for why there might be more kids in the street getting themselves into dangerous situations with gangs and drugs. You point to the fact that even after working multiple jobs, there still isn’t enough money to make ends meet so you have to get governmental assistance or not pay your heating bill, but we think that’s all just a clever ruse to get out of doing your duty as an American laborer — to keep the rich as rich as possible so they don’t smite us out of rage if we have to raise their taxes or close their precious tax loop holes.
So be thankful for your four low-wage jobs while you have them, Moochers! The Job Creators give, and the Job Creators taketh away. If we don’t act respectful and genuflect at their feet for deigning to drop little piddle puddles of loose change on us, they may pull up their tent stakes and go abuse the labor pool of another country. What’s that? They’re already doing that in countries with even fewer labor laws? Well…then…America Yay!
#4. Teaching Your Kids Creationism
You whiny socialists love to complain about the state of education in this country, but you forget the contributions of red state school districts everywhere, focusing on the important information: The Earth is roughly 1,500 years old, dinosaurs were at the crucifixion of Jesus, and there’s no such thing as evolution because you can’t explain how magnets work. If it wasn’t for the efforts of dedicated, born-again evangelicals in the Bible belt, Lord only knows what crazy “science” and “history” might be taught to your kids. Do you really want your children growing up with the notion that we only know about 3% or less of the known universe? Do you really want your kids graduating high school thinking that man has had any impact on the Earth in a negative way? Why, just ask the Bluefin tuna how much good we do!
Besides, we all know that if we weren’t pumping our kids full of Bible science and values Satan would take over this great land and force some kind of health care reform on us and we’d — OH GOODNESS IT’S TOO LATE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! SAVE YOURSELVES!
#3. The Modicum of Control We Let You Have Over Your Vaginae
Hey, ladies, you might complain about our overreaching social policies that seek to control the moral barometer in this nation by way of your vaginae, but we say this to that:
Would you rather live in a country where you had no control over your own reproductive organs?
No really, we’re asking you that on a serious note because we’re trying to gauge how much support we’d have for HR 45678, a bill written by Paul Ryan and co-sponsored by Arizona congressman Trent Franks that would invoke “eminent domain” over all vaginae produced in America from January 1st, 1964 to the present day, and if we could get some of you dames on board with this plan, it sure would be great. Trust us, we know your vagina better than you, and we therefore know what your vagina needs better than you. Because God gifted us with the male brain…a penis.
#2. Our Efforts to Punish Poor People with Pre-Existing Conditions
Do you really want America to be known as a country who just lets anyone get medical treatment? We mean, come on now, America! Where have your standards gone? We all know the most important power in the universe is the Lord Thy God, but a very, very close second is The Lord Thy Profit Margins. We all know that once all these “Sickies” start getting medical treatment regardless of their preexisting conditions that it will seriously hurt America. Because you know, if insurance companies and doctors aren’t making so much money they could each buy their own private island, America loses.
Besides, it’s not like there are literally dozens of other countries that have truly universal, socialized healthcare (and have had for decades) and it’s working out for them, right? Right?
#1. Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann
Just look deep into their eyes. Ignore the spinning spirals in their eye sockets, and just keep looking. You’re getting sleepy. You’re getting very sleepy. Just ignore that man with the ice cream scoop small enough to fit inside your ears. He’s not doing anything you have to worry about. Just keep looking deep into Palin and Bachmann’s eyes. Aren’t they attractive? That’s right, focus on that and not the words coming out of their mouths as the man with the ice cream scoop removes little portions of your brain. Don’t worry. You won’t miss any of the stuff he’s taking out. He’s just removing the parts of your brain that listen to reason scientific evidence, and true history. What’s that he’s putting back in there? Pudding. It’s pudding.
There. Now the inside of your skull matches theirs perfectly. Happy Thanksgiving, Takers!