Donald Trump Unveils Plans “Camp Trump” for Muslim Americans

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Billionaire real estate mogul, former reality-TV star, and also President-Elect Donald J. Trump, unveiled part of a proposal he’ll make once sworn-in that sources close to The Donald say he believes in strongly.

“Camp Trump will be the absolute premier destination for Muslims if I’m elected,” Trump told reporters last Thursday morning. “It’ll be their favorite spot, some might say it’ll be the only place the want to or maybe can go,” Trump said with a grin, “and not just for vacations. But to live there. Permanently.” Mr. Trump then pulled a large, velvety sheet off of the the three-dimensional model of Camp Trump that was placed just to his right.

The plans include a tennis court, a volleyball court, and sixteen linked, massive fields that the Muslims staying at Camp Trump can “farm and work to their unpaid hearts’ content,” according to Trump. “The way I figure it,” he said, adding, “I’m paying for the camp, which means they get to stay for free, which means you know, we can expect them to do at least a little bit, a touch, scoche, a tit-bit-nit of manual labor, can’t we?”

After his presentation, Trump was assailed with questions from the press corps. One reporter asked if what Mr. Trump was proposing was just a dressed-up concentration camp. “Yes, of course it’s a concentration camp,” Trump bellowed, “We built it so that Muslims can concentrate on being less Muslimish.” Trump said that expecting people to “drop any and all cultural ties to their mother country helps create a homogenized environment where people who are different aren’t treated as well” and that this is “completely in line with what America is really all about.”

“This is going to be the very best in concentration camps; the most luxurious one out there,” Trump said pointing to the racquetball court that’s right next to the Christian church that camp goers will be expected to attend for “maybe six, seven hours a day, until they’re not so Muslim-y,” Trump explained.  “I don’t put the Trump name on failures, ever,” he said with pride as he placed one of his fingers on the cinema complex that will run “nothing but great American films from great American directors.”

“It’s like Camp Snoopy at Knott’s Berry Farm except for Muslims,” Trump said as he was getting back into his limousine that would take him to the air strip that his private jet was waiting for him at, “and you know, they can’t like leave and stuff. Oh and there’s only one roller coaster. But it just takes you to the fields so you can work. You know, American style and stuff.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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