“That Time I Rescued a Princess and Blew Up a Space Station” by Bill O’Reilly

“That Time I Rescued a Princess and Blew Up a Space Station”
by Bill O’Reilly

A lot of people in the lamestream media have been picking apart my claims of having been a reporter in a war zone. It’s like, just because I may not have technically been in a war zone, and because technically nothing I’ve claimed about those stories has really remotely panned out, people think I’m some kind of liar. But let me tell you, when I’m in a dangerous, war time situation, I do not shirk my duties — not to my country, and not to my profession.

Have I ever told you about the time I rescued a princess and blew up a space station? No? Let me tell you now then.

It was a fair bit in the past, in a part of the universe that was many light years from Earth. It was a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base scored their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire; stealing plans to the Empire’s awesome new weapon, The Death Star. Space battles were breaking out everywhere. Darth Vader was in hot pursuit of the stolen plans.

…and I was there to cover the whole damn thing.

I had been sent to Mos Eisley on Tatooine to cover the pod races that year, but I was shocked when I arrived to see the Alderaanian cruiser Tantive IV in pitched battle with an Imperial Star Destroyer. My segment producer told me we were in need of some power converters from Tosche Station, but as soon as we arrived on the planet, we saw an escape pod hurtling down toward the surface of the planet, from the direction of the space battle we’d seen upon entering the star system.

We were far, far from the bright center of the universe, and something didn’t seem right. My segment producer and I tracked the escape pod to where it crashed, and even found some metal parts that look they came from droids of some kind, with tracks heading off in two different directions. We decided to follow them, which eventually wound up leading us to a small moisture farm.

Anyway, about a day later my producer, camera man and I were having drinks at a local cantina when we saw a guy get his arm chopped off by a lightsaber. I knew the stuff was about to go down, so I had my camera guy turn on his equipment and shoot me covering the bar room brawl, which wound up pretty much just being the one dude getting his arm hacked off and another guy getting cut almost in two pieces, while the bartender shouted, “No blasters! No blasters!”

I’ll spare you some of the more boring details, but suffice to say it wasn’t long before my camera guy, my producer and myself were rocketing away from Tatooine in the fastest ship I’ve ever been on. It didn’t look like much, but I could tell it had “it” where it counted. We were on our way to deliver the plans hidden in the droids — which we’d caught up with at a rave the night before (droids know how to party, by the way) to a princess who was being held captive on a space station.

Anyway, we land on the space station, knock out a couple of guards, steal their uniforms and armor and wind up in of all places a garbage chute! Luckily the droids had come down off their Droid Ecstasy in time to hear our shouts for help. They stopped the garbage smashers — all of them — and as we rocketed away from the space station, I knew I was going to have to step in and give that evil Empire a taste of how we do things in the No Spin Zone.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. We totally rescued the princess too. For a guy like me, a seasoned pro in battles, it was really no big deal. For some wimp on MSNBC though? They’d still be back in detention block AA-23!

So we get to Yavin IV, and I’m like, “Okay guys, put me an X-Wing and I’ll show you how real Americans kick some ass.” Needless to say, I got up there with my astromech droid, one thing leads to another…then bleep, blorp, blam! The Death Star is destroyed, I’m getting a medal, and Princess Leia is totally giving me that “come undo my buns” look.

Does this all sound a bit far-fetched to you? Then you’re probably a lame-brained member of the liberal lamestream media. I defy anyone to find any proof out there that I didn’t in fact help not only deliver the stolen plans to Princess Leia, rescue her from the Death Star, and then ultimately blow that whole damn thing up in my X-Wing.

Go ahead, assholes. Produce the tape. Also go to my store and buy some of my cheap merchandise. Thanks.