WASHINGTON, D.C. — Preparations are underway for a truly historic Thanksgiving dinner at The White House.
“In 2009, we had an historic Thanksgiving dinner when the first black president hosted it here,” White House historian Beverly Beaverton told us, “and this year it’s historic because it could be the first and last time an orange skinned alleged billionaire and collusive conspirator hosts it. Exciting times, indeed!”
White House Chief of Staff John Kelly is said to have taken the lead in heading up the staff potluck dinner. A sign-up sheet was passed around and the president’s cabinet and executive team were asked to bring a side dish or dessert to share, while the taxpayers would be providing the turkey and ham. Chief policy adviser Stephen Miller will be bringing a cask of fresh human blood because he doesn’t drink…wine.
“There will be no vegan or vegetarian options,” Vice President Mike Pence said in a Facebook post about the potluck. “Because there’s a Republican, pure white administration in the White House this year, and we don’t do beta cuck liberal things like eat vegetables on Thanksgiving unless they’re smothered in gravy, which Sarah Huckabee promises me she’ll stop using as jack lube before we serve dinner.”
Before dinner is served, those in attendance will each take turns telling everyone something they are thankful for.
“And you shits better say me,” President Trump reportedly wrote in an inter-office memo earlier this week.
As well as plans are going, sources close to the administration say some tensions have arisen. When Trump came downstairs into the dining room where the potluck will take place, he couldn’t find his name card at any of the adult tables. After scouring the seating arrangements, Trump finally located his name on a card, but it was placed at the kids table.
“President Trump was not very pleased to find out he’d been seated at the kids table. He was hoping to spend time sitting next to the romantic love of his life,” Huckabee Sanders said, “But unfortunately Ivanka had a prior engagement and won’t be able to attend.”
White House staff quickly apologized, saying they meant no offense but just created the seating chart based on the behavior they’d witnessed over the last few months, since Trump took office. When the catering staff saw the size of the forks Trump would be using, they simply assumed he was a child, or at the very least, a man-child. Crisis and turmoil was narrowly averted, however, thanks to help from a, perhaps, unexpected source.
“Luckily, before President Trump could throw too huge a tantrum over it, Judge Roy Moore offered to switch seats with him,” Huckabee Sanders reported, “which of course made everyone involved happy.”
President Trump plans to say a blessing in Russian before the meal.