Texas Republican Invents Shrinking Ray to ‘Make Government So Small It Fits In Your Pee-Hole’

AUSTIN, TEXAS — The Republican Party of Texas recently hired Dr. William Dickerdolldildo, a lifetime resident of the Lone Star State, to design and invent a new piece of technology they are hopeful will help them “make government so small it fits in your pee-hole.”

State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R), explained that Dr. Dickerdolldildo was hired by the Texas GOP to create a shrinking ray, similar to the central plot device in the Rick Moranis vehicle, “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids.” The idea, Thompaulsen says, is that Dickerdolldildo’s shrinking ray could reduce the size of government to the point that it could “literally be shot up inside the urethra of any and all Texans,” so that legislators in the state can “keep tabs on the personal sexual morality and gender identification of everyone” who lives there.

“You know, like Thomas Jefferson would have wanted,” Thompaulsen insisted as he pointed to several concept designs that Dickerdolldildo had sent him for the shrinking ray. Thompaulsen said that the Republican Party of Texas had been considering such a project for a long time, but that when the Obama Administration sent out a directive that all public schools need to accommodate transgender children and allow them access to the bathroom designed for the gender they identify with, they knew “they had to act swiftly.”

Thompaulsen said that while he is “in full supportation” of his state’s governor directing the Attorney General to sue the Obama administration over this directive, he and his fellow Republicans in the state felt they “needed a good back up plan in case the courts made the disastrous decision to keep moving the country into the future, instead of holding it firmly in the past.”

“Look, I think it’s great that we’re taking such a stand against the forces of tolerance, civility, and compassion,” Thompaulsen said, “you know, libtarded things that only truly libtarded people feel are worth fighting for? Anyway, as much as we’re down to fight that fight in the courts, we also think it could be really helpful to have a shrinking ray so we can make sure a) all babies that are conceived in the magical way babies are get a chance to be born and that b) no one is allowed to undergo any changes voluntarily and of their own volition in an attempt to feel more confident and comfortable in the only bodies they have to live the only life they’ll get, is all.”

Cost estimates for the shrinking ray have varied, but Thompaulsen said he and his fellow Republicans already have a plan for them.

“We’ll do what Texas always does,” Rep. Thompaulsen said, “we’ll get the money from the Feds and then repay it, but make it seem like we never needed the money from the taxpayers in the first place. Because you know, we’re honest as fuck and shit.”

Dickerdolldildo could not be reached for comment.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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