AUSTIN, TEXAS — Last week, Governor Greg Abbott made headlines when he opened his state up fully, allowing businesses to open without masking mandates. Many businesses within the Lone Star State, however, decided to keep requiring their patrons to wear a mask, as a means of protecting their staff and other customers who might not have been vaccinated yet. Gov. Abbott’s Attorney General, Ken Paxton, has threatened to sue businesses based in Austin if they do not allow customers inside without masks.

“Of course I’m a small government, pro-business conservative,” Paxton told the Texan Chronicle and Penny Saver this week. “But sometimes you gotta go full-blown authoritarian in the name of freedom, know what I mean? Of course you do.”

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However, that lawsuit may not be necessary now that Gov. Abbott has signed a new bill into law.

“This law will require all Texans to take their chin diapers — HA HA I JUST MADE A VERY FUNNY CONSERVATIVE JOKE! — and to find the covid patient closest to them,” Abbott said during a maskless signing ceremony in his office today, “and tongue kiss the living hell out of them. I’m talking deep-throat that covid patient.”

The new law goes into effect immediately. It also contains a provision that forces Democrats to get “666” tattoos from unmasked, covid positive tattoo artists. Another provision forces all Texans to lick at least sixteen public handrails and/or urinals before the end of the month.

“Everyone knows this state is the last bastion of freedom in America,” Abbott opined. “That means how we do things might look weird to all those coastal elite liberals in states like Georgia and Arizona, but here in Texas they look freedomy as fuck. Our version of freedom looks, smells, and tastes like a freshly minted dildo at times, sure. But if owning the libs isn’t what being an American is truly about, then I don’t think I wanna live in America anymore.”

Legal experts believe the new law will eventually be contested, and could wind-up being adjudicated by the Supreme Court.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.