Texas Judge Wants to Retroactively Block Emancipation Proclamation

BROWNSVILLE, TEXAS — U.S. District Judge Andrew Hanen made national headlines on Tuesday when he blocked President Barack Obama’s executive orders on immigration, but it appears that the conservative justice appointed by former-President George W. Bush may have his sights set on other examples of what he considers executive overreach. According to reports from anonymous sources close to Judge Hanen, he intends to review every single executive action and order issued by every single president — except for Ronald Reagan who Hanen deems immediately infallible based on the “Reagan Rule” which states everything President Reagan did was a shining example of leadership, presidential responsibility and constitutionality — and if he finds something he doesn’t like, he will order an injunction against the offending executive actions. No stone will be left unturned, and sources are saying that Hanen’s already got the executive order in his sights.

The Emancipation Proclamation.

“Judge Hanen believes it his divine duty to stop the usurpation of power by the Executive branch of our government,” a very close source to Judge Hanen’s chambers told us. “No president has a right in his mind to act unilaterally, even when Congress is completely and utterly worthless and there is a pressing matter of both humanitarian and moral crises,” we were told. So that is why, according to our source, Hanen intends to “roll back the Tyrant Lincoln’s egregious Federal overstep when he robbed all those Southern plantation owners of their personal property by way of the Emancipation Proclamation.”

Judge Hanen, according to our source, “is a strong believer in letting the states solve their problems for themselves” and that means “not acting on behalf of the greater good, no matter how morally repugnant the situation is to us.” We asked if Judge Hanen is trying to nullify the 13th, 14th and 15th amendments that formally ended slavery and established that all humans are truly equal under the law and we were told, “he feels that if one of the consequences of his actions is that the country takes a good, hard look at itself and figures out it doesn’t need industry busting, job killing laws on the books that regulate just how much, or in this case how little, someone can make” that “it’s good for the country and the comony!”

Our reporters asked the anonymous source if there is ever a reason a president should act unilaterally, if there is ever in fact a time when the Constitution should take a backseat to common sense, common decency, and common empathy. “Oh definitely,” our source told us, “Judge Hanen’s not a robot and he understands presidents aren’t either. So if a president wants to say, start an illegal war by finagling a three-way international arms-for-hostages deal, that’s fine by Judge Hanen.” We were told that Hanen also believes “starting a war based on false information about weapons of mass destruction and ties to terrorism that can’t be verified even more than a decade later” was also a totally acceptable way for a president to act unilaterally.

“Judge Hanen simply believes in the rule of law,” said our source, “provided that the rule and the law is beneficial to the narrow life view that Judge Hanen holds.” We asked our source why Judge Hanen is so willing to go down in history as a guy who made millions of people languish in the shadows, without a country of their own. Our source told us “he doesn’t think that way. He just does what he thinks is best for the anti-federalist philosophy of government.”

So doesn’t his stepping in to stop Obama’s immigration orders make Hanen the exact kind of judicial activist conservatives like him loathe so much? “No! Of course not,” said our source, “this is different.” According to our source judicial activism only applies to “liberal stuff” like “abortion and gay stuff” but not “the stuff that good, God-fearing patriots know is right” like “helping millions of people assimilate into a country that welcomes them and the contribution they can make to it.”

Is Judge Hanen anti-immigrant, we asked. “Absolutely not,” shot back our source. “Hell, if the Mexicans — because no matter what the liberal lamestream media tells you they’re all Mexicans — were to come here and help us build another intercontinental railroad or something, that’s something else.”

Current estimates are that there are up to around 11 million people living undocumented in the United States. 11 million potential new taxpayers and members of society, says our source, “is just a liberal pipe dream because we all know they’re going to get amnesty, sign up for Obamacare and welfare and never work a day in their lives because the liberal conspiracy to get people addicted to government knows no bounds.”

Judge Hanen will announce whether or not he’ll file an injunction against the Emancipation Proclamation by this summer, our source says. Until then, he still has to make his ultimate decision as to whether President Obama’s immigration orders are legal or not. That decision is expected in the coming weeks.