Austin, Texas — Texas Governor Greg Abbot (R) is fed-up with states like Indiana, Florida, Arizona, Tennessee, and Mississippi stealing his state’s thunder. “For generations, people would think Texas and they’d think ‘dumb,’ but now thanks to religious freedom laws, laws allowing the open carrying of guns in public parks and government buildings, laws that actually forbid Sharia Law from being implemented, laws that attempt to nullify Federal laws, and anti-abortion laws that make a miscarriage or certain types of birth control tantamount to murder being written in other states, now you think Texas and you think ‘dumb, but not the dumbest,'” Abbot told reporters at a recent press conference for a new set of laws he wants his state legislature to take up and pass.
“And it’s high time we Texans reclaim our rightful title as the Dumbest Fucking State in the Union,” Gov. Abbot told reporters. “Sure, most rational adults wouldn’t send the National Guard out to keep tabs on the U.S. military doing a training exercise in a region close to their state because that region also happens to mirror the climate of a potential battlefield somewhere else in the world,” Abbot, who soundly defeated Democrat Wendy Davis in last year’s election said. “But I’m not a rational adult; I’m a Republican Governor. I do things based on knee-jerk reactions to idiotic conspiracy theories that are passed-on as truth. So we mobilized the National Guard, and I’m done there either.”
Abbot then took the assembled media through a series of initiatives he’d like his state’s congress to adopt and pass so he can sign them into law. “First, I want to make Chuck Norris my official Violent Revolution Czar. He’ll keep his aging, paranoid eyes locked on the goings-on around our state, and elsewhere, and report back to me when he thinks it’s time to start rising up against our government that we get a chance to peacefully change by way of votes every two, four, and six years.” Abbot produced a slide of a fetus with an AR-15 next. “And this is what I call Operation Give All Texas Fetuses Semi-Automatic Rifles,” the governor said.
Then Abbot produced an artist’s rendering of a map of the United States with a giant, semi-transparent dome with the Texas state flag emblazoned on it covering the entire Lone Star State. “We have contacted the top Texan scientists and they have assured me that within six to eight weeks we can have a fully functional energy shield over the state. All I need to do is get permission from our state legislature to give the scientists a small forested area inhabited by small creatures who live in the trees to build the shield generator in. That’s called Operation Do That Thing In Return of the Jedi.”
“The bottom line is a simple one,” Abbot told reporters. “We are just sick to death of other states trying to out-dumb us. It’s like, I just want to call up Indiana and be all, ‘Hey, if any state is going to give cover to public discrimination under the guise of religious freedom, it’s Texas buddy!’ And I want to call up Arizona and say, ‘Hey, Arizona, let us handle being crazy, xenophobic racists who truly believe every immigrant is from Mexico without proper documentation!’ But no, everyone has to try and steal our idiotic thunder! Enough is enough I say!”
Then Gov. Abbot unveiled what he calls “his mother of all dumb ideas” that “should show all those other sissified lame states who holds the real title for Dumbest State in the Union.” Abbot said if Texas Republicans can get this initiative pushed through, he’d sign it immediately into law. “Put simply, I want to put a small, nuclear device in every home in Texas,” Abbot said.
“If my congress passes the Nuke In Every Garage Act of 2015, it will empower me to force every citizen in this great state to harbor a small, half-ton nuclear warhead in their homes. Since the U.S. Constitution comes second in Texas, we know we don’t have to worry about butting up against the Third Amendment’s forbidding of forcing citizens to quarter soldiers, which could easily have a modern-day tie to a government forcing citizens to hold a nuke in their possession.” Abbot says he “knows every good, red-blooded, ammo hoarding, God fearing patriot will do their duty” and sign-up voluntarily to store a nuclear warhead in their garage, basement or driveway.
Abbot wrapped up the press conference by handing everyone in attendance buttons that said “Give Us Personal Nukes or Gives us Death!” He is expected to crisscross the state in the coming weeks drumming up support for his ideas on a bus emblazoned with the slogan “Stupid is as Texas Does,” and the governor assured the press he “won’t stop until every American hears the word ‘Texas’ and thinks ‘Totally dumbest state in this great nation of ours.'”