Texas GOP Wants to Repeal Voting

While Republicans in many states are rushing to restrict access to the voting booths before the 2022 mid-term elections, the GOP in one state is taking things to a whole other level.

“We’re thinking it’s time to be big. Time to be bold. Time to be decisive,” State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen told The Dallas Coupon Cutter this week, “and it’s time to make it illegal to vote. At all. For Republicans or Democrats. Just, repeal the whole democracy thing.”

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Citing conservatives’ inability to “accept anything other than what they feel is pre-ordained by God himself,” Thompaulsen says it’s urgent for Texans to relinquish their right to vote.

“We’re tearing ourselves apart here,” Thompaulsen insisted. “We’re so polarized as a nation, and it only makes matters worse when liberals rub it in conservative faces by, like, getting more votes or whatever. It’s almost like politics is a popularity contest, and all our ideas that are from another century aren’t as popular anymore! Insane!”

Texas Republicans believe their new proposal would pass Supreme Court muster, Thompaulsen said.

“You know, we have a 6-3 conservative majority on the court right now. That means a whole lot of textualists and originalists are on that panel right now,” Thompaulsen explained, “and since when the Constitution was originally written, the text was much more restrictive in terms of who could vote, we don’t think the Scalia-ish justices will bat an eyelash about going back to how things were when the Constitution was written.”

However, when it was written, the Constitution did at least grant voting rights to white landowners. Thompaulsen conceded that he and his fellow Republicans want to roll things back to a pre-Revolutionary War state. However, he also said they’re “open to a compromise.”

“What if we just rolled it back to where the Constitution set it, then? Just white landowners,” Thompaulsen suggested. “That would work for us, actually. So maybe I’ll go and tell the guys we should change our bill to only roll back voting rights to when the Constitution was ratified.”

Over the past 30 years, the Republican Party has lost all but one popular vote count in the presidential election, and elected congressional Republicans represent millions fewer Americans than their Democratic counterparts.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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