Texas Woman Files Paperwork to Reclassify Her Genitals as a Firearm

LIBTERTAD de CUERPA, TEXAS — Next week, a court in Texas will hear opening arguments in a case that could have wide-ranging impacts in the Lone Star State. If 26 year old Kimberly Miller’s petition is granted by the judge in the case, her genitals will officially be recognized as firearms, and by Texas law be therefore not able to be regulated by government entity.

“I filed this suit last week as an urgent attempt to reclaim my bodily and reproductive freedoms from the Christian Caliphate here in Texas,” Miller told reporters today before entering the courthouse. “I’m hoping that people in this state are forced to respect my vulva the same way they respect their revolvers. I’m not going to hold my breath, but there’s no point in not trying.”


Last week, women’s rights advocates were outraged when the Supreme Court effectively gave the green light for Texas’ new six week abortion ban to go into effect. The new law attempts to skirt constitutional concerns by giving private citizens the right to sue someone in the state for providing or otherwise “aiding or abetting” an abortion procedure. Ms. Miller says she decided to file her lawsuit after hearing her senator, Ted Cruz of Cancun, praising the new abortion law and chiding women in the state for “thinking their brains are strong enough to control what happens to their pussies.”

“It’s just God’s will, and it’s why he literally handcrafted our male brains with the ability to know what’s best for your vagina, before you do,” Cruz told NewsmaxTV. “Besides, it’s not like we’re talking about a gun here. We’re talking about one of the most dangerous things in America — a vagina that can create, at a moment’s notice, a libtarded American socialist. We can’t stand for that, and that’s why we need to keep our womenfolk’s pussies in line, and registered.”

The first hearing in Miller’s case is scheduled for next Tuesday.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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