AUSTIN, TEXAS — Republicans in the Lonestar State are crowing quite loudly this morning over a report on deaths from COVID-19. According to new data, Texas hit a milestone it hasn’t been able to achieve since the beginning of the pandemic outbreak.
“This morning, we got confirmation from the Department of Health and the Department of Self-Inflicted Gun Injuries that we did it, everyone,” Gov. Greg Abbott told Texans at a press conference this morning. “Since the start of this outbreak, COVID deaths have far surpassed deaths from shooting yourself in the dick. I am overjoyed to announce that last month, once again more Texans blew their own junk off than died from the coronavirus, and I think we all can join together in a prayer of YEE-HAW! for that. YEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW!”
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Abbot then attempted to withdraw a pistol from his side holster, but it got caught and he blew his dick off. Reporters say that many in the state were shocked at the news, only because they were under the impression that Abbott still had not gotten his dick back from former President Donald Trump. At the time of publication, Abbott is in stable condition, and enough of his penile material was found so that something resembling a phallus can be grafted to Abbot’s groin.
Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) hailed the report as “proof the lamestream media was wrong all along about literally everything ever.”
“As I always tell my extremely ugly wife Heidi,” Cruz said during an interview on Fox News, “unless I’m the one doing the interview, I don’t trust anything that I see in the George Soros sponsored, Antifa-backed press. I just don’t. Clearly, this news signals that Texans have gotten back to what they do best — boning their cousins and shooting guns. I join my newly dickless friend Governor Abbot in his celebratory YEEE-HAW! over this momentous news.”
Not everyone in Texas is completely thrilled today, however. Alex Jones, who has lived in Texas for many years, called the news a “false flag” and said that he has seen “indirect evidence” that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are lying about the self-inflicted gun-dick injuries last month.
“Folks, this goes beyond gay frogs. It goes past fluoride in the water treatment systems that turn you into a literal zombie in service of the ghost of Saul Alinsky,” Jones said in a rant on his radio show today. “I’m happy that we’re opening the state up, but we can’t trust these numbers, folks. We gotta go talk to each and every person who the government claims blew their dick off, and we gotta check their pants like a transphobic parent checking the kids on the other team to see what’s in their trousers.”
Jones was so upset, he tried to pull a gun out of his pocket and shot himself in the crotch. Thankfully for him, Jones had already lost his dick in a shooting incident in 1999.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.