AUSTIN, TEXAS — This week, a federal judge temporarily blocked Texas’ ban on abortions after six weeks.
The new law had garnered quite a bit of attention across the country, including sharp rebukes from women’s rights groups. However, it appears that elected Republicans in the Lone Star State are feeling quite undeterred by the federal judge blocking their new law.
This morning, in a special signing ceremony after an all-night session in both houses of the state legislature, Gov. Greg Abbott signed a new law onto the books. Now, if a woman is constipated for less than nine months, she is prohibited by law from taking laxatives to relieve her intestinal distress. Abbott called it a “banner day for protecting the rights of the un-pooped.”
“In Texas, we carry everything for nine months, period,” Abbott said proudly as he signed the new law. “This is a banner day for protecting the rights of the un-pooped in Texas, and I genuinely hope this law is in my obituary one day.”
Dustin Pewpson, a leading evangelical leader and self-proclaimed “warrior for the unborn and non-crapped” hailed the signing of the new law for “breaking the winds of evil in this nation.”
“When I first heard they were going to push this law out, I thought, well, crap, I think that’s a really spectacular idea,” Pewpson told Fox News this morning. “It’s nice to know that there are some elected officials who understand a woman has no ability, science-tastically speaking, to know when or what she should push out of any hole in her body. That’s why God left it up to the superior male, um, you know, thingy in our head-bones!”
Word out of Texas is that there are already thousands of cars headed for neighboring states and the laxatives their stores will provide to a desperate, constipated woman. Gov. Abbott has vowed to use the Texas State Troopers to track down and prosecute any woman fleeing state lines to “take a dump.”
“If it’s legitimate bowel blockage, the Bible says a woman’s body has a way of shitting that whole thing out,” Abbott said with a shrug. “So we’ll make room for the poo-bortionists in the same cells we built for woman who get regular abortions. Because that’s what small government means. Government small enough to probe any hole you got, sister!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.