Trump Policy Adviser Stephen Miller Says 7.2 Trillion Illegal Immigrants Voted Last Year

WASHINGTON, D.C. — During an interview with a right-wing oriented podcast, Trump policy adviser Stephen Miller told the audience he believes that over 7 trillion illegal votes were cast in last year’s presidential election. The Trump administration has come under considerable fire from critics on both the left and the right, in both major parties, for its insistence on pushing a narrative that rampant voter fraud was present in the 2016 election, without ever providing any proof for their claims.

“You can call me a liar all you want,” Miller said, “just because what I say may not be provable and is probably not true. But that’s not the point, and it never will be the point. The point is that now we have a few dozen million people out there who think it’s true, and that’s pretty much all we need.”

Miller was appearing on “Very Biased America,” a podcast that bills itself as unbiased despite the obvious biases of all its hosts because they claim to root their biased opinions in facts and statistics. Miller told the hosts they were “the exact kind of white sociopaths” the Republican party needs to be successful in the future. He said the “key to making America great again” is to completely and utterly ignore “all libtarded impulses to care about your fellow humans” and instead “only care about profits, not people.”

“And once you realize that truth is completely unnecessary to victory,” Miller explained, “you realize how much more important it is to win than it is to live in a reality-based world. Of course more than seven trillion illegal votes were cast. Not because that’s even mathematically possible, but because that’s how angry, bitter, white middle class folks in red states feel. The best part is that for years we’ve told you that liberals only operate on emotions, and we played on your emotions to win that stupid election like a harp from hell!”

Miller began to eat a whole, raw fish that had put down beside him by the show’s hosts. His angular nose made him quite evocative of a type of bird that often lives in extremely cold climates and had a documentary about their mating habits win an Academy Award a few years ago. Miller continued to talk as he devoured the raw fish.

“It’s like, I feel like telling liberals, tell you what, assholes,” Miller said, “every time you doubt my claim, it goes up another trillion people. You talk shit on the wall, it goes up another six feet, you talk shit on my claims about illegals voting, it goes up a trillion votes. Get it? Got it. Good, libtards.”

Mr. Miller told the show’s hosts after he was done there he was headed back to the White House, where he’d rest in his custom made sleeping coffin until daylight hours were over.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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