SOEUR PLAISIR VALLEY, TENNESSEE — Republicans in the Volunteer state have passed a bill through their lower legislative chamber that would outlaw abortions for any woman whose mother had ever been pregnant herself.
SB WTF42069 would criminalize abortions performed “on any woman who is born of another woman who had been pregnant at any point, ever.” State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) is a leading force behind the measure. He says that is the best effort in the “war on women’s sexual agency.”
“It’s not that we are anti-woman. We just don’t think they can be or should be trusted to decide when to go through the truly life threatening and permanently life altering process of pregnancy and birth,” Thompaulsen said. “Not when there’s the life of a tiny blastocyst or barely developed fetal tissue at stake! All lives matter until they’re born and they need to get jobs and be productive members of society or die and help us recoup the resources they’re sponging off us unless we’re farmers because now those are the welfare queens, but anyway what was I saying?”
Thompaulsen says that “unlike gun grab laws,” enforcing his new proposed abortion would be “super-duper easy.”
“Here in Tennessee everyone knows and is very close to their mother,” Thompaulsen explained. “Pretty sure all we have to do is ask all the women-folk if they know where their mama is, and then if they say yes, we slap a tracking tag on their cooter and move on to the next house.”
Rep. Thompaulsen says he does anticipate some pushback from Democrats in the state. Thompaulsen also says he’s “not quite sure how to handle a critical issue.” Separating familial relationships in Tennessee can often times be quite messy.
“What we’re still working on is what to do when your mother’s also your sister or cousin,” Thompaulsen said, “but I think we’ll work it out one way or the other. Women in this state are ready to give up their sexual agency and control over their genitals. They’re practically begging us to make them sex slaves, you know, like in the Bible and whatnot.”
Reportedly, this new law has the “full, complete, and turgid support” of the Trump administration broadly, and Vice President Mike Pence specifically. Mr. Pence was asked by reporters about SB WTF42069, and he said it gave him “moisture in the southern trouser zone.” Pence plans to personally monitor the progress of the bill, and has told Thompaulsen he’ll go down to Tennessee himself to lobby for its passing.
“The Vice President has stated that he is very excited about Rep. Thompaulsen’s proposed abortion ban,” Pence’s spokesperson said in a statement. “Though he’s a little confused by the word ‘Mother’ being used in the legislation and hopes that it can be revised so he doesn’t have to think about his wife any more than he’s biblically required to.”
If adopted by the upper chamber, the new bill could be on the governor’s desk for signing by later this week.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.