Tennessee Man Cleans Up Quickly After Spanking It to Avoid Charges of Attempted Murder

It’s not that he would lie around, languishing in the self-extracted afterglow. But now that it seems like the Supreme Court’s conservative majority is poised to help roll back abortion rights in America to a time before Roe Vs Wade, 34 year old Scott Manoot says that he’s been cleaning up after he “spanks it” faster than he ever did before.

“With all these new abortion laws after the Supreme Court strikes down Roe,” Mr. Manoot said, “I know a lot of men who probably don’t think they’re gonna be impacted. All I know is I don’t want to go to jail for attempted murder. So now, every time I spank it, I make sure I clean everything thoroughly and I never use the same jizz sock twice.”

Manoot wanted to make it clear that he usually cleaned himself up without much hesitation, but with Roe being on its way out, he knows there’s a “renewed sense of urgency” that he must have not, with each and every post-self-coital exploration.

“Hey, I’m not saying that I would lay there and let my junk get spot-welded to my stomach or anything. I’m just saying that I make sure I have a jizz rag AND a container of Clorox wipes handy. I figure bleaching any surface that I might have accidentally spilled my seed on is the best way to not catch an attempted murder charge,” Manoot told us via Skype.

“Obviously, as a white male I have literally almost nothing to worry about from all these new abortion laws, but still, when it comes to religious extremists, if you give them a cookie, they’ll ask for all your constitutional freedoms and replace them with Bible verses.”

@jamboschlarmbo Some feel it might be easier to reduce abortions from the opposite side of the coin and ban Viagra. Agree or disagree? #politik #politics #political #politok #polititok #politicalsatire #sketchcomedy #abortion #roevwade #prochoice ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on TikTok, Patreon, Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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