Tennessee Republicans Declare All Children’s Genitals State Property

A new bill just passed both chambers of the Tennessee state legislature and is headed to the governor’s desk. Once signed into law, all children’s genitals will be state property, and a new taxpayer funded agency will enforce a strict ban on gender affirming care. At a press conference just after the final vote, State Sen. Tom Thompaulsen, a Republican, addressed the new law.

“In this state, we take child sexual mutilation very seriously. That’s why we make sure every circumcision done here in Tennessee is personally inspected and signed-off on by a state gender regulation official,” Thompaulsen said, “just as the good Lord Baby Jesus Christ told us to do in the Bible somewhere. Because we take children’s genital health and stability so seriously, we decided we needed to take the additional step of protecting every kid’s who-who-dilly and dong-wanger from gender affirming care.”

Thompaulsen called this law a “logical step in protecting kids.”

“Imagine the societal decline if we start encouraging kids to become the adults they want to be,” Thompaulsen shuddered. “It’s a frightening idea, thinking of all those adults nliving authentically.”

In several red states, laws banning  gender affirming care for transgender minors are working their ways to governors’ desks. Thompaulsen was asked by one reporter if he thinks it is congruent with his theory of small government to put a government agency in charge of inspecting every kid’s crotch, which was met with laughter.

“Look, the Tennessee Pediatric Gender Squad isn’t hypocritical, not at all. Because for starters, I can’t spell that word, and for seconders, SHUT UP LIBTARD,” Thompaulsen replied.

Now that the state owns every child’s genitals, Thompaulsen said the “obvious next step is to peel the Christofascist onion back one more layer.”

“Obviously, we’re gonna have to make every woman’s vagina and uterus state property as well. We gotta protect the pediatric genital stockpile at all costs, and at all points of interest,” Thompaulsen explained. “Plus, I’ve always wondered what a real-life pussy looks like up close, and this might be my only and best shot!”

@jamboschlarmbo #Tennesee #Republican values on full-display in this #political #satire #politics #politik #lgtbq🏳️‍🌈 #transrights ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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