Ted Cruz Wants to Replace Donald Trump as the GOP’s Leading Douche

Senator Ted Cruz really hopes Republican voters think he's douchier than Donald Trump.

HARRISON, IOWA — Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) took his campaign to Iowa over the weekend, after new polling showed the evangelical, Canadian born conservative has overtaken long time front runner, billionaire Donald J. Trump in the Hawkeye State. Trump had recently opened up a barrage of attacks on Cruz, so sources close to the Freshman Senator say he wanted to strike while his campaign’s iron was hot. As one Cruz aide put it, his boss is “looking to overtake Trump as the GOP’s leading douche,” and he feels the Iowa polls show he’s poised to do just that.

“Some people in the lamestream, liberal brainwashed media call me things like recalcitrant, obstinate, stubborn, unprofessional, unwilling to compromise, dogmatic, and a whole host of other words that really just mean I’m not squishy,” Cruz told a rally supporting him in Harrison, Iowa on Monday morning. “I don’t compromise my principles ever,” he said, “and those principles come first and foremost from my Dominionism, making me not only incredibly douchey, but incredibly dangerous if you’re not a Christian American.”

Senator Cruz explained to the Iowa crowd that his Dominionist beliefs told him that “God intended us to create a world in His vision” and that “only by accepting that Christians are to be the only ones in charge” could the U.S. “get itself out of the nightmare apocalypse of Obama’s America.”

“Before Obama, we Christians could rightly tell any two adults they can’t wed,” Cruz said, adding, “and before Obama, white Christian teenagers could rely on getting into college because they were white and outnumbered black applicants, but now in Communist Maobama’s America, we have Affirmative Action telling us that we can’t pass up fully qualified and prepared students of color simply because they are students of color.” He paused before asking, “Is that the kind of America you want, where we try to level the playing field so that people can actually pull themselves out of poverty, or do we want a country where if you win the genetic lottery and come out of your mother’s snatch white you’ll immediately have a leg up on everyone else?”

Cruz told reporters after the rally that while he “respects the douche level that Trump has brought” to the campaign so far, he himself is “far more douchey, for more often” and therefore is the “right douche and the right time” for Republican voters. “Who else has led a shutdown of the federal government over a hissy fit they threw about giving poor people access to doctors and medicine,” Cruz asked as proof of his “supreme douchy-ness.” He pointed to the fact that “within ten minutes of arriving in D.C.” had “managed to make everyone in [his] own party hate [him” as more evidence that he is the “douchebag the Republican base really wants to vote for.”

“You know, Donald is a fine man, and I agree with everything he says,” Cruz told the press, “but sometimes he sounds like a troll, or a plant. I’m so genuinely backwards in my ideology that it comes of as authentic bullshit, not bullshit bullshit, and that’s something for voters to take a good, hard look at.”

“If you thought Donald Trump was the scariest Republican in the field, you clearly don’t know me,” Cruz said, “and you’re clearly not a woman, a minority, or a member of the LGBTQ community. Oh, and being a Dominionist, and truly believing that Christianity is ordained by God himself to have dominion over all living things is a nice touch of religious zealotry that even Trump can’t pull off.”

With a little less than a year to go before the election, Senator Cruz has started to surge in polls, but Trump still has a commanding lead in other states besides Iowa.

More from James Schlarmann

Wayne LaPierre Shoots and Kills Thoughts and Prayers That Accidentally Wandered Onto His Property

Wayne LaPierre takes aim at America's hope for a less violent future.
Read More