Ted Cruz Wants To Know If Trump Got a BJ in Comey Meetings Before He Supports Special Prosecutor

WASHINGTON, D.C. — When news of the “Comey Memos” emerged, a shock wave of speculation started grow on the Hill. If the contents of the memos are verified, by all accounts it appears as if President Donald Trump may have — wittingly or unwittingly — asked FBI Director James Comey to stop the probe of former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn’s contacts with Russian emissaries during the transition between the Obama and Trump White Houses. The talks of impeachment have gained some momentum as now even a few congressional Republicans have come out in favor of a special, independent investigation into Russian meddling int he 2016 presidential election.

But one Republican senator has already stated that he’ll remain “skeptical and willing to give the president the benefit of the doubt,” until he finds out more details of the meetings between Comey and Trump, which are reportedly contained within the memos.

“What I think the entire country,” Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) told reporters today, “and by the entire country I of course mean Christian, conservative, God-fearing, ammo hoarding patriots, wants to know is, was President Trump getting a beejer at the time of the meetings between Comey, or not?”

Senator Cruz explained that to Republicans, a president “can literally do no wrong as long as he wasn’t getting a consensual hummer at the same time.” For the GOP, Cruz said, it’s “less about pretending to care about and following the Constitution than it is about pretending to care about and follow the Constitution.” He said the country “can’t withstand another immoral blow job from a willing mouth in the Oval Office.”

“Look, if the president is giving intel to our enemies that’s maybe not great,” Cruz admitted, “but if he’s a Republican, that’s totally fine, and more importantly, if he’s not getting a blow job from another willing, consenting adult, then frankly I don’t really care. Because you know, taxation is theft, government — that I don’t control — is bad, you know. Stuff and things and such.”

Reporters outside Cruz’s office asked him if there are any reasons that a president might be allowed to engage in consensual, personal sexual activities with adults that wouldn’t violate Cruz’s sense of morality. Cruz confirmed that he could think of some exceptions, and elaborated.

“There are some exceptions, certainly, to this rule,” Cruz said, his medically diagnosed perma-smug face beaming, “For instance, I know my good friend Sean Hannity has been in to see President Trump numerous times, and I can only assume he sucked the president’s dick in person as he does every night on his show. But outside of Sean, no one should be blowing the president.”

Reached for comment, Trump was surprisingly terse about Cruz even though the Texas Republican was largely defending the president.

“Lyin’ Ted needs to remember my daughter works here now too,” Trump told reporters angrily, “so he can take his list of approved presidential lick job givers and shove it up his butthole.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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