Ted Cruz to Struggling Middle Class Americans: Just Get a Million Bucks from Goldman Sachs!

HALF FALLS, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Speaking to a group attending a prayer breakfast and horseshoe tournament in New Hampshire this week, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), gave Americans struggling to make ends meet some financial advice he says he “ripped right from the pages of [his] own checkbook.”

“If you find yourself having a hard time keeping up with your bills, don’t be discouraged,” Cruz told the breakfast attendees, “because everyone gets into a pickle financially every now and again. Heck, even I did, but did I take a government hand out,” Cruz asked rhetorically, “no of course I didn’t. I’m a rock-ribbed conservative with rock-ribbed conservative principles, and I did what every American should do instead of taking a government check. I got a loan from Goldman Sachs for five hundred grand and had my wife do the same. Financial problem solved.”

The loans that he was referring to were given to the Cruz family in 2012 as the emotionally-charged Ted was campaigning for Senate. At least one of the loans was used to help pay for campaign expenses, but was not disclosed by Cruz’s campaign. Senator Cruz has dismissed this story as just being “technical and inadvertent filing error” and that they have been disclosed numerous times in other forms and other elections. But Cruz said the most important takeaway from this story was that he was able to lift himself out of a financial bind, all by himself.

“I pulled myself up by my bootstraps — sponsored by Goldman Sachs — and I didn’t take any money from hard working taxpayers,” Cruz said before having a thought and adding, “other than the tax money I get in my senatorial salary of course. But even that is different from welfare because I’m at least working…a handful of weeks out of the year that I’m not out raising funds.”

When asked how average people, whose wives don’t work for Goldman Sachs could secure a loan like that, Cruz scoffed. “What, you think Goldman Sachs is the only bank out there,” he asked rhetorically. “You could go to any number of huge banks and take a loan for $500,000. Just pick a bank, walk in, sign a couple forms like I did, and bam! you’ve just rugged individualism’d yourself to financial success,” Cruz said.

“It’s really not that hard to get by in America,” Cruz said as he was ending the prayer breakfast, “you just need access to high-powered, super wealthy people and their lending institutions. It’s just that easy.” Cruz reiterated that “only mooching takers accept free money unless its coming from a bank that will demand you give them special treatment when you’re in a position of power” and that “true, red-blooded patriots would rather work five jobs and starve than get a check to help them buy food for their families.”

Senator Cruz currently leads a handful of polls, but still trails billionaire Donald Trump in most every other poll.