LAKE OF FIRE IN HELL, ETERNITY — At a press conference earlier this week, Bob “Satan” Beelzebub has been the CEO of Fire and Brimstone, Inc. responded to comments made by Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX, Earthly Realm) to the effect that Beelzebub is a Democrat by saying he doesnt’ care what “a demonic cunt like Ted Cruz thinks” about any subject, much less his political leanings. Satan told reporters he’s “politically agnostic” and “couldn’t care less about the political leanings of anyone” because as he “just take[s] the souls in and packs them away.”
Cruz had made the comment about Satan being a Democrat when he was talking the media at a campaign stop in Iowa about his comparing Democrats to violent criminals on “The Hugh Hewitt Show” over the weekend. “Here is the simple and undeniable fact,” Cruz told the conservative talk show host, “the overwhelming majority of violent criminals are Democrats.” Sen. Cruz would tell Hewitt that,“There is a reason why for years the Democrats have been viewed as soft on crime” and that reason is that Democrats “go in and appoint to the bench judges who release violent criminals.” Then he asked rhetorically, “Why? “The Democrats know that convicted felons tend to vote Democrat. The media never reports on any of that.”
In Iowa, reporters asked Cruz after a campaign rally if he thinks that his comments might have been unfair, unsubstantiated and the same kind of generalizations he bristles at when they’re made about Republicans. Cruz laughed like a nasal machine gun at that question. “Too harsh? Overly generalizing, young lady,” Cruz asked of the male reporter, “bitch, please. Satan himself is a Democrat, and I didn’t even go there girlfriend.” Cruz then did a what most people assumed was a twenty minute impression of Jim Carey in “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective,” but was instead Cruz just talking out of his rectum so that his base could understand him more clearly.
Back in Hell, Satan was bemused at best by Cruz’s inference of his political party affiliation. “Oh yeah? Ted Cruz said I’m a Democrat,” the Devil asked reporters when he was prompted for a comment, “The minute I start caring what a demonic cunt like Ted Cruz thinks about me, is the day I stop trying to overthrow Larry up there.” Satan said that Cruz is “viciously stupid,” and “scarily regressive” on just about every issue. He said that “Cruz’s thoughts on marijuana alone make him a douche” but that he also has heard it from Larry “God” Schumway himself that Cruz isn’t even a legitimate Christian.
“Larry told me,” Satan said, “that no real Christian would try to shut down an entire government with all the people who depend on it left out in the cold because they want to keep poor people from getting health care.” Satan said that Cruz is so vile that he wouldn’t even hire him for work around Hell. “Are you kidding me? Even my most viciously evil henchmen and minions don’t talk like he does.”
Satan said when he heard Cruz say that he believes same-sex marriage will lead to Christianity being dubbed “hate speech,” he knew he was dealing with a demonic soul. “The Bible itself is almost completely mum on homosexuality, and the New Testament is pretty much bereft of anything other than Jesus telling people to stop being judgmental pricks because they all suck out loud. He’s basically saying that two adults shouldn’t be allowed to get married and be happy together, and if they do, then it’s violating his rights. This is the same kind of shit that segregationists said about black people. I consider segregationists demonic little shitbags, so why wouldn’t I do the same with homophobes?”
“I’d recommend that all mortals on Earth heed my advice,” Satan said as he was wrapping up the press conference, “and treat Ted Cruz’s words with the same ‘jacking off an invisible dong’ level of respect I do.”