Ted Cruz to GOP Voters: ‘Think of me as the lesser of two diarrheas’

MIAMI, FLORIDA — At a campaign stop in Florida today, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) pitched himself to Republican voters as the only candidate who can defeat billionaire Donald J. Trump for his party’s nomination, and he did so by making what many pundits believe is a new political metaphor.

“I know that when you look at Donald and you look at me,” Cruz told rally attendees in Miami, “and you see two disgusting piles of human garbage. Heck, you might see two steaming pools of actual diarrhea, and I can’t say I blame you.” Cruz smiled then said, “So just think of me as the lesser of two diarrheas.”

Cruz then began to list reasons why he — while “absolutely a horrible alleged human being” — is better or preferable to Trump.

“Donald wants to build a wall to keep Mexicans out,” Cruz said, “and I want to build a wall to keep Mexicans out, but also to keep Americans in. When I become president a lot of people will try to flee, and that could cause major problems for our economy. So I not only want to build a wall on all our borders — north, south, east, and west — to keep people out, I want to build them to keep all the plebs — excuse me, Americans — in.”

Mr. Cruz then  pointed out a few other differences.

“Donald claims to be a Christian, but I am a radical Christian Dominionist which means I want Christianity to rule over all of humanity,” Cruz bragged, continuing, “Donald says he’s a supporter of the Second Amendment, but I want to live in a world where toddlers have guns if they want them.”

After spending a few minutes making these kinds of comparisons, Cruz then told his audience why they should choose him over Trump.

“Yes, Trump and I have a lot in common, but I’m just a little less open about my doucheyness,” Cruz said, “and doesn’t that make me super-duper presidential? I think so. Of course I will be repugnant to most Americans, but you Republicans are not most Americans! You can see that I am at least 10% better than Trump, and that 10% is all you need!”

Ultimately, Cruz says, his pitch to voters and donors is very simple.

“Put your faith in me if you want the kind of Republican you’re used to,” Cruz said, “and by that I mean a Republican who thinks and believes all the horrible, disgusting things that Trump does, but who has the sense to use colorful metaphors and rhetoric draped with duplicity that gives us just enough wiggle room to feign ignorance when we’re called on it. You’ll vote for Donald if you want an out in the open douchebag, but you’ll vote for me if you want the old school, smile in your face and stab you in the back douchebag. The choice is yours, but choose wisely, choose early, and choose me, please.”

Trump is currently beating Cruz both nationally in most state primary polls.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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