WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Senate’s Science and Space sub-committee directs Congressional funding and policy initiatives for departments like NASA, the National Science Foundation, and the National Institute of Standards and Technology. Though in the past he had made comments that fly in the face of scientific comprehension like, “Climate change, as they have defined it, can never be disproved, because whether it gets hotter or whether it gets colder, whatever happens, they’ll say, well, it’s changing, so it proves our theory,” Republican leadership in the Senate saw fit to appoint Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) the chairman of this committee.
Not wanting to avoid taking full advantage of his new powers, Cruz has decided to propose a new bill to the committee that would change the way science is seen in America…literally.
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The Change the Spelling of Science to More Appropriately Reflect America’s Enduring Love of The Lord Thy God Jesus Christ Act would use the power of the Federal government to make the official spelling of “science” in the United States “J-E-S-U-S.” According to Cruz, he worked closely with robust patriots like Pat Robertson and the Westboro Baptist Church to make sure the change made sense not just from a Christian point of view, but from another Christian’s point of view as well.
“We all know that the Founders were devout, born-again Judeo-Christians who originally wanted to name the country ‘The United States of Jesus Is Rad Land’ but didn’t for other reasons,” said Cruz to a gathering of a handful of reporters just after being sworn-in as the committee chair, “and we intend to rectify that mistake in time, but it all starts with one step.”
“Today,” Cruz continued, “that step is forcing everyone in the world to change their spelling of a word. After all, we can’t go about reminding the people that true Americans know the Earth is only 6,000 years old if people are still stubbornly clinging to ‘science.'” Cruz wiped a bit of sweat from his brow at this point, then got down onto one knee as he shouted, “And know this, brothers and sisters, only by completely removing science from our lexicon, can we return this country to the hands of God and Jesus, where it belongs.”
When reminded that without science we’d all be living to only about 25 years old, we’d be crazily overpopulated and undernourished, and he’d not even be broadcast on TV, Cruz paused for a moment, then shaking his head said, “There are no teevees in the Bible. There’s not a single IP address in the entire New Testament. If we didn’t need it back when dinosaurs were playing catch with Adam and Eve, we sure as heck-fire don’t need it today.”
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It’s unclear when Senator Cruz will move his proposed law out of his committee, but Cruz staffer Aloysius Fibbington said that he fully expects his boss come out swinging on it. It may seem odd that the person at the head of one of the most important and powerful scientifically-minded groups in the world would so clearly hate science, but perhaps Senator Cruz himself explained the rationale best.
“This is Republican America we’re living in now. In Republican America, we don’t need regular science. We need Republican Science, and the first step in getting Republican Science into the consciousness of Americans is to literally remove the word from their lexicon. By force. Because you know, liberty.”