Ted Cruz’s Ugly Wife Confirms Gender Neutral Potato Head and Her Husband Will Still Have Same Size Balls

Heidi Cruz, the ugly as sin wife of Sen. Ted Cruz, confirmed for reporters today that after Hasbro makes the iconic “Mr. Potato Head” toy gender-neutral, it will still have the same exact size balls as her husband.

“Very honestly,” Ugly Hedi told reporters outside the couple’s non-Cancun-in-the-winter home, “when I first med Ted, I thought he was a potato without genitals.”

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As ABC reported, Hasbro is making changes not just to Potato Head, but to an array of their products.

Toy makers have been updating their classic brands to appeal to kids today. Barbie has shed its blonde image and now comes in multiple skin tones and body shapes. Thomas the Tank Engine added more girl characters. And American Girl is now selling a boy doll. (ABC NEWS)

Several prominent conservatives in the media have decried Hasbro’s decisions. They claim that attempting to make their toys more inclusive of all children is a step toward “Cultural Marxism,” as Sean Hannity sobbed to his audience. Dan Bongino said in a recent podcast episode that Hasbro was making his “giant satellite of a head throb with sadness and sorrow.” Heidi Cruz, ugly as she is, didn’t seem to care so much.

“I’ve lived with a ball-less potato since Ted and I got married,” Heidi asserted. “I mean, at one point about five years ago, it seemed like he had a really good opportunity to prove he does actually have balls, but here I am ugly as sin still, so clearly not. So why should I care, really, if one of our grandbabies one day plays with one? I’ll still be a proud, ugly as fuck grandma and widow…hopefully. Christ almighty I’m hoping it works out that way, anyway.”

Potato Head, in a written statement, thanked Heidi for her “continued ugliness and support.”

“These days, you just never know how people are going to take things like this,” Potato Head wrote. “While I wish she hadn’t compared me to that sack of dick she calls a husband, at least living with him all these years has given her a sense of empathy she didn’t have for the frozen Texans she abandoned to go play in Mexico for a weekend.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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