Ted Cruz Will Demand Congress Certify He’s a Ball-less Douche With an Ugly Wife

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Before the 2016 presidential race, Sen. Ted Cruz had a wife named Heidi whose looks had never been the subject of discussion, let alone debate. However, during that fateful campaign, then-candidate Donald Trump declared Heidi ugly, and rather than defend his wife’s honor over the last four years, Sen. Cruz has chosen instead to cozy up to the president’s taint, tacitly confirming that, in fact, Heidi Cruz is ugly.

Sen. Cruz has widely been labeled a ball-less douchebag for letting a man in his seventies mock his wife’s looks publicly and viciously and doing absolutely nothing about it. Still, despite the fact that Cruz is a ball-less douche with a wife he clearly thinks is as ugly as the president does, the U.S. government has, for some reason, never made those two facts official. Tomorrow, when Congress meets to certify the 2020 presidential election and seal Trump’s fate as a permanently impeached, one-term commander in chief, Cruz will take the unprecedented step of insisting Congress certify just how testicle-free he is, and just as importantly, exactly how ugly his wife Heidi is.

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“There are millions of Americans who have doubt about this issue. Millions of Americans who believe my wife is ugly, and who believe I have no balls,” Cruz said this weekend on Newsmax TV, “but our government has never, in its infinite wisdom, sought to quantify just how ugly she is, and exactly what’s in the space in my crotch where balls would be expected to go?”

Cruz said during the interview it’s “vital that Congress act in the 11th hour” to once and for all officially decree that Heidi is ugly. It’s just as important, Cruz said, that the country “know, understand, and believe” how “sycophantically attached to the president’s own taint” that he is.

“You can’t separate my love of Donald Trump from my love of a pug ugly, disgusting, horrid looking hag of a wife and mother to my children,” Cruz said. “It would be an abdication of my principle to never have hany principles to let this great, orange man leave the Hill without him knowing exactly how hard, fast, and wet my blowjobs would continue to be, had he won the election.”

Sen. Cruz will not be alone tomorrow when he makes his stand. Almost 150 House Republicans, and more than a dozen in the Senate, have agreed to back Cruz’s gambit.

“Quite frankly, the Republic is at stake here,” Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) told reporters this morning, “and one thing it cannot withstand is another long, protracted period of time in which we don’t know, for damn sure, whether or not Heidi Cruz is ugly as fuck, officially. Dear President was right to call her out for her ugliness, but now it’s time for patriots to stand up and insist our government of the people, by the people, and for the people recognize that Heidi Cruz is ugly.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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