WASHINGTON, D.C. — “Hey, let’s get someone from New Hampshire on the phone,” quipped Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) as he dined at an area T.G.I. Friday’s, “and ask them to crack a window, put their hand out, and then tell me the planet is too hot for life to keep sustaining itself.” Cruz was the keynote speaker at a dinner hosted by the American Society for Nescience Research, a group comprised of the roughly 3 out of every 100 climate scientists who still believes the jury is out on climate change and mankind’s role in it. “We all know the old axiom, ‘you need a weatherman to know which way the climate changes,’ and this mega blizzard in the northeast is all the proof you need that the insipid lies of the left just do not hold any water up against cold, hard, facts like anecdotal weather patterns.”
There were around 22 or 23 scientists in the small banquet room at the D.C.-area Fridays. Our reporter spoke to one, a Dr. Henry Henrickson, about why there weren’t that many climate scientists at the dinner held by the ASNR. Henrickson said, “They probably didn’t know about the free food! I always come for the free food. There is so much free food in it if you deny mountains of empirically-gathered data from decades of highly-scientific research. Climate denial is a very lucrative position to be in. The fracking companies will pay a pretty penny for an opinion from a scientist that refutes what 97% of the rest of the climate scientists hold to be true.”
“Let’s just count off the lies of the Liberal Left, shall we,” Cruz asked as he chomped on his surf-n-turf. “One — the Constitution is a living document. Two — that “evolution” is real because of “evidence.” Three — there was no cover-up in Benghazi and more than a dozen investigations costing over $14 million dollars proves it. Three — Obama is a real American citizen. And lastly, that our planet is rapidly reaching a critical mass of carbon pollution and there will be widespread damage felt all over the planet simply because hundreds if not thousands of scientists over the last 30 or more years have studied this subject intensely and with the highest of scientific ethical standards.” Cruz then high-fived one of the scientists next to him.
The Texas Republican told our reporter that, “Liberals lie. It’s what they do. And anyone who is being impacted by Obama’s Blizzard knows darn well now that the myth of global warming is just that…a myth.” When it was pointed out to Cruz that weather is not climate, and that extreme shifts in weather patterns and storm severity is an oft-regarded symptom of climate change in the scientific community, Cruz simply laughed. “Oh sure, says someone who has spent the better part of their lives studying one subject intensely to the point of becoming a subject matter expert. But again, let’s just drive up to New Hampshire right now and see how warm it is. I mean, you say global warming, it had better be at least 85 degrees outside all the time, or clearly you’re a lying-faced liar of a liberal.”
“Did we have any blizzards like this during Reagan’s era? The first Bush? How about George W.? I mean, I didn’t look any of this up, so I’m speaking totally off the cuff here,” said Cruz at one point in the speech, “but I’m saying the answer to all that is ‘no.’ There was not a single blizzard until Obama came into office. And now we have one of the most severe blizzards in history. You can’t blame the gradual rise in severity of these storms on climate change. You have to blame on the man who brought them to our doorstep, King Barry himself.”
Once his meal of steak and fried shrimp with a side a baked potato was finished, Cruz took to the podium in the banquet room and delivered an incredibly short speech. “You all know why I’m here,” said Cruz as he opened his remarks. “I’m here because I’m one of the few guys in this town standing up to 97% of the people who are most qualified to speak on this subject. I’m here because we all know Obama’s Blizzard that’s hitting the northeast right not only not the result of climate change, it’s clearly the Socialist Kenyan’s usurper’s fault, and that big ol’ blizzard is just proves climate change is liberal hogwash, good night! God Bless America! God Bless the Free Markets, and God Bless the Republican Party.”
“The speech was short,” said Henricksen, “but we all know that when making statements that fly in the face of evidence and facts, it’s best to keep your comments short and emotionally driven. No need to wallow in pesky counter-arguments or even facts of your own.” Henrickson was asked by a reporter from the Sacramento Sacrament and Cheese Times whether he’s seen any of the evidence that his colleagues present in favor of climate change, and whether any of it could sway him. “Oh sure, tons of times. Seems like good stuff. But they don’t host nearly enough free luncheons as the gas and oil companies do. So…” Henrickson trailed off and didn’t finish his sentence.