HIGH POINT, IOWA — Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) took time out of his presidential campaign to address a story related to NASA. The Texas Republican was in High Point, Iowa for the town’s annual corn festival when the New Horizons spacecraft — NASA’s nearly decade long project that sent the craft billions of miles to the edge of our solar system — completed its mission. The spacecraft was designed to get humanity its best pictures to date of Pluto, the celestial body in our solar system that was once considered a planet, and send them back home. The pictures sent were nothing short of incredible, but Cruz nevertheless found something to be irate and criticize the Obama administration about.
“My question is why are we spending millions of dollars, sending New Horizons billions of miles away,” Cruz told reporters at the corn festival, “and we’re not even taking the opportunity to claim Pluto for ourselves.” Cruz heads-up the Senate’s subcommittee on space exploration and is therefore the most powerful elected politician with a say in how NASA is run. “If they’d have asked me, and of course they didn’t because no one government is a good person — EXCEPT FOR ME OF COURSE AND THAT IS WHY YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR ME — then I would have told them ‘You put a cannon on that thing and make it shoot a Confederate Flag, or I guess an American flag would work too, into Pluto or I am going to defund this project,” Cruz told the press.
Cruz told the media “this is just another in a long line of missed opportunities this administration has bungled their way through.” He cited the fact that the Obama administration didn’t lay claim to Mars’ water supply as he’d demanded among a list of other transgressions he believes they have committed. “Not claiming Pluto for our own makes this like the Benhgazi of space exploration projects if you ask me, and I am going to launch a full Senate investigation, spend untold millions of dollars, finding out if there is indeed a Pluto/Benghazi connection,” Cruz said.
“With me as your president, I promise you not only the solar system, but the entire universe and if multiverse theory is proven during my presidency, I will annex every dimension and plunder its resources for the good of the greatest country God — and that’s the one, true, American, Red-White-and-Blue God — ever put on this Earth,” Cruz told the crowd. “No more of this socialist, Sharia law loving bull puckey of exploring space for the good of humanity without our national interests at heart! We demand a government that is too small to help feed the hungry, but big enough to conquer every planet in every solar system in the galaxy,” Sen. Cruz said.
In a Ted Cruz presidency, the conservative told the media and the crowd assembled to hear him speak, “nothing would go into outer space that wasn’t capable of delivering some really good return on investment for America.”
“I’m not talking about good will here either,” Cruz said, “I’m talking about green backs. Cashola. Money, money, money, money! If we can annex a planet and make some money off it, you better believe we will. If we can land a drilling team on an asteroid, plant our flag on it, and begin extracting the minerals and ore therein, we’re going to. Forget exploring space to fit our natural pioneering spirit! We’re going to go drill baby drill and plunder the living fuck out of the galaxy!”
Cruz then unveiled his plans for a massive, round space station. “I call it the End of Life Quasar, but we may go with a more concise name later. If I’m elected, we’ll start work on it the day I’m sworn in. It’s going to travel the universe, blowing up any planet who doesn’t submit to my ultimate authority — er I mean to the American way of life. I think it’ll be awesome and a great use of taxpayer money.”
With just under 15 months to go, Cruz is currently hovering near the bottom of every major poll of likely voters.