This Doughy Coward Wouldn’t Defend His Wife’s Looks But Has Thoughts on Macho Soldiers

When one envisions Senator Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun), they don’t exactly conjure up a mental image of a hulking, muscle-bound alpha male. If one were to poll a hundred Americans and ask them for words that would describe Cruz, one would likely more often hear words like “pudgy,” “doughy,” and “sniveling, booger eating cunt,” more than words like “strong,” “brave,” or “not a sniveling, booger eating cunt.” Cruz looks like someone poured a bag of half-ready grits into a finely tailored suit, slapped a mullet wig on top, and then drew a salt and pepper beard on its face.

All of this is to say that Ted Cruz is an out of shape, middle-aged, white man, and there are simply no ifs, ands, or buts about that. However, just because Cruz is not anyone’s definition of a strong, masculine man, that doesn’t stop him from pontificating on things as if he were. Take, for instance, Sen. Cruz’s recent swipe at the U.S. military’s recruitment videos.

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Cruz is, undeniably, having a big ol’ sad about the Pentagon’s attempts to change its image and recruit a more diverse field of candidates. Cruz wasted no time mocking new recruitment videos that attempted to portray the Department of Defense as a place where people of all walks of life, regardless of their gender identification or sexuality, could find a place for themselves. Then, Super Patriot Cruz took his mocking of the U.S. military to new heights when he used a Russian army’s recruitment video to draw a contrast clearly preferring the projection of masculinity in Russia’s video.

Cruz was lambasted for the tweet, drawing the ire of civilians and members of the military. He then tried to walk back the tweet and do some damage control. Cruz insisted his tweet attacking the military wasn’t actually an attack on the military.

Experts in the field of castration and genital amputation note that if anybody would be able to recognize emasculation when it happens, it’s the guy who handed Donald Trump his balls after the alleged billionaire called his wife ugly. Scholars in cowardice note it’s the first time someone who couldn’t even tell a 73 year old man to leave his wife alone had the guts to call anyone else “pansies.”

“This dude is the dude who ran off with his family — ugly wife in tow — to Cancun in the middle of a deadly cold snap,” Prof. Karen Karolsby of the University of Rhode Island asked our reporter rhetorically, “leaving some of his constituents to literally die back in Texas, and he’s gonna lecture people in the military about being brave or courageous? That’s what I call an ‘L-MAO’ moment for sure.”

Others noted that Cruz’s attacks on the military could be mistaken for having courage, but in fact are just windows into his courageous hypocrisy, instead.

“I’d say it makes Ted look like he actually has balls, but we all know Don’s still got them in a jar on his desk at Mar-a-Lago,” Dr. Eliza Martin, professor of history told us when we asked him for his take on this situation, “so in reality, it’s just a mucus munching douchebag doing what he does best — being a raging hypocrite.”

Senator Cruz did not comment on this story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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