Ted Cruz Literally Explodes After Obamacare, Gay Marriage Decisions

U.S. Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) (C), flanked by Senator Mike Lee (R-UT) (L) and Senator David Vitter (R-LA), speaks against pending immigration legislation during a news conference at the U.S. Capitol in Washington, June 20, 2013. An army of new federal agents and high-tech surveillance devices would be dispatched to the U.S.-Mexican border under a deal reached on Thursday that is aimed at winning increased Republican support for an immigration bill in the U.S. Senate. REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst (UNITED STATES - Tags: POLITICS SOCIETY IMMIGRATION) - RTX10V9D

GAMBLING GLENN, IOWA — Demolition and medical experts have confirmed that Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) has exploded. While details are sketchy at this time, the experts are confirming that the combination of the Obamacare and gay marriage decisions in the Supreme Court of the United States set off a chain reaction deep within Senator Cruz’s exhaust port, which is located just below the main port, and it has an opening that’s about two meters wide, out of which Cruz’s rhetoric can most always be heard. At the time of pressing, doctors and jigsaw puzzle experts have reassembled approximately 45% of Cruz’s body, but they fear they  may not be able to get him back to “tip-top bigoted form” in time for the first Republican primary debate scheduled for August.

“We will let whatever form of Senator Cruz that is still in existence at the time on the dais,” Fox News executive Steve Harwell told The Political Garbage Chute. Harwell said that he and his fellow execs are “just really excited to have one of America’s premier demogogue bigots” on the debate stage and that “a Ted Cruz at 75% is like a Mitt Romney on 1 million percent.”

Cruz has been one of the senators most stridently opposed to both the Affordable Care Act and same sex marriage since being elected to to the Senate, representing Texas. In October of 2013 he helped guide House Republicans into shutting the entire Federal government down over defunding Obamacare, and he recently introduced legislation that would essentially ignore the First Ammendment’s promise of separation of Church and State in order to facilitate discrimination against LGBT people based on “religious principles” of the discriminator.

Staffers on Senator Cruz’s presidential campaign spoke to the media at a mid-morning press conference. According to them, just after the announcement was made regarding the hight court’s rejection of several states’ last ditch appeals of lower courts overturning their same-sex marriage bans a loud, audbile scream was heard. Within moments, said staffers, they heard a loud boom, and rushed into Cruz’s hotel room.

“When we opened the door to Senator Cruz’s suite, we found a large pool of Mr. Pibb, vomit and hair grease,” said Michael Jasper, assistant campaign director for Cruz 2016. “Those,” said Jasper, “are the three most prevalent chemical compounds that make up Senator Cruz, so we knew something was wrong. We could see Fox News on the television set as well, and they were covering the court’s decision on same-sex marriage.”

Jasper told reporters that “Senator Cruz likely went into some kind of demagogue sensory overload and exploded as a result” and that “you don’t go around smugly declaring that your old fashioned beliefs are shared by the majority of Americans, then see two of your most maligned subjects — Obamacare and gay marriage — go against you without blowing up, at least not if you’re Senator Ted Cruz.” Jasper said that he hoped by the end of next week Cruz will be assembled well enough to appear in front of cameras because “getting his face plastered all over the news is one of Senator Cruz’s favorite things; maybe he likes that even more than being an actual public servant.”

“The good Senator from Texas believes in traditional Christian values,” Jasper told the press as he was ending the conference, “and those values include of course not helping the sick, and hurting those we perceive as being less than us because we happen to find their sex activities icky. Senator Cruz believes firmly that if we don’t live in a country where super-religious zealots can force people to hide all their lives in metaphorical closets, and if we don’t live in a country where the rich keep getting richer while the poor and sick can’t get basic health care, we don’t live in America. When those unelected, imperial judges on the high court usurped control — by way of totally normal and standard practices regarding constitutional review — they sent a clear signal that indeed, Senator Cruz doesn’t live in America anymore.

While we acknowledge that the senator mostly lives in a fantasy version of America circa 1955, we are saddened by the fact that apparently the high court believes we should never again return to the version of the country that never really existed, and that was mostly terrible for many minority groups. It was clearly this realization that caused Senator Cruz to completely explode into a pool of his most basic elements.”

In most recent polling, Senator Cruz ranks well-below the current front runners for the 2016 Republican Presidential primary.