Ted Cruz: Let me be the AIDS to rid our party of Trump’s Cancer

HOPE, UTAH — At a campaign stop in Utah on Thursday, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) pleaded his case to not only his supporters, but to all of the Republican voters yet to cast a primary ballot, that he can be the one to save their party from a Donald J. Trump nomination. Trump has been dominating since the primaries started, but Cruz has won the second most states and delegates. However, his pitch to voters was quite unorthodox in Utah.

“You know, a lot of people have compared Donald Trump to a cancer on the party,” Cruz said at a rally in front of a Mormon book store, “and that may be true. But you know, I’ve also been compared to a disease that could kill the Republican Party, too, and I happen to think I’m a more powerful, life-threatening disease than Trump. I’m like the AIDS virus.”

The suddenly stunned crowd grew quiet, unsure what Senator Cruz was saying.

“Now, some may to me that the AIDS virus is a dangerous threat to mankind,” Cruz said to ease the crowd, “and they aren’t wrong. AIDS can destroy you from the inside out. Just like me. I could really easily destroy the party myself, because literally the only reason the establishment is crawling to me is that I’ve won a few states. They hate me. I am AIDS to them. Look at how they treat me.”

The crowd was still confused, so Cruz pressed on.

“But you know, they’re doing incredibly cool things with AIDS these days,” Cruz said, “and I’ve even read that in some cases they are using HIV to combat cancer cells. So, if I’m AIDS, and Donald is cancer, let me be the AIDS to rid our party of Trump’s cancer!”

Suddenly, Cruz’s supporters seemed to get it. They tore open into applause, chanting, “Cruz is AIDS! Cruz is AIDS! Cruz is AIDS!”

For a full ten minutes, Senator Cruz stood on the stage and listened to the crowd roaring in his ears, calling him a horrible autoimmune disease that could wipe out the whole human species if left unchecked. A smile grew wider, and wider on his face. Cruz put his hands up to his ears, as if to say he couldn’t hear the cheers, and they rose to a fever pitch.

“That’s right! Remember just how much like AIDS I am when you cast your ballots in your primary next week,” Cruz said enthusiastically, “because no one is happier to be AIDS than me. No one is more thrilled to embrace the fact that I am a toxic, poisonous, evangelical nutcase. Let me be your nominee and I will AIDS us all to a better life! God Bless America, God Bless the Republican Party, and most importantly, God Bless AIDS and me!”


James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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