WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Ted Cruz is the chairman of the Senate’s Subcommittee on Science and Space Exploration, and it appears in his official capacity as such that he is willing to weigh-in on any issue that involves one of those two subjects — space or science. A reporter from the Dallas Morning Ledger Review caught up with the Texas Republican and asked him his feelings on female Ghostbusters, whether they should serve on the front lines of America’s War on Pscyho-Kinetic Anomalies, and whether or not he feels they deserve to be paid the same as males in the same field.
Cruz was on his way to a meeting with his aides to discuss the possibility of shutting down the Federal government if President Barack Obama doesn’t immediately “backsies” the Affordable Care Act, renounce Kenya, and resign the presidency, but had enough time to give some thoughts. “Firstly,” said Cruz, “this idea of making female Ghostbusters — who asked for it? It sounds like another left-wing, liberal attempt to take what is already good, clean, traditional American exceptionalism and turn it into Cultural Marxism.”
“We trundled along just fine in this country for over 30 years with male Ghostbusters,” pointed out Cruz. “Did you hear a single person who had a ghost busted complain about a ‘lack of diversity’ in the Ghostbusters,” asked Cruz. Then he answered his own question, “Of course you didn’t.” Cruz also said he’d “like to know if the Obama White House is behind this. It smells like government overreach to me.” The Harvard graduate insisted that “government cannot pick winners and losers, and if Obama and his apparition czars are trying to unduly influence the hiring process of Ghostbusters, I will call for a full Senate investigation. We will spare no expense in getting to the bottom of it all.”
Asked about equal pay for female Ghostbusters, Cruz said, “Absolutely not.” Cruz argues that you “set a dangerous precedent” when governmental regulation “dictates to small businesses what they can or can’t pay their employees.” The former Supreme Court law clerk said that he feels “minimum wage laws are bad enough” and that “if someone wants to willingly work for poverty wages, that’s their right as an American.” Asked if he felt that means tax payers should have to subsidize the business practices of those businesses who grossly underpaid their employees, Cruz said to the reporter, “Now, that’s a question I’d expect from the liberal, socialist, Soros-run media, and I’ll not dignify it with an answer. But if you put a sweet, beautiful, American, red-blooded, Freedom-ensuring gun to my head, I’d say…’yes.’ Anything to make life for my donors easier, I’m in favor of.”
“Why should female Ghostbusters feel entitled to be paid equally,” pontificated Cruz as the camera crews started to move around him. “Just because they are fundamentally no different then men they think they should be compensated equally?” Cruz then began to tick-off a list of fiscal conservatives’ arguments against equal pay. “Are these female Ghostbusters going to work the same hours, have the same exact duties and be expected to deliver in their jobs the exact same way as their male counterparts?” When a reporter from The Seattle Times and Coffee Bar Reviews told the Senator that indeed, yes, the new female Ghostbusters would be expected to do everything to the same exact standards, and that the job description — busting ghosts — was the same for both males and females, Cruz retorted, “Pfft. Sure. They say that now, but c’mon fellas, when’s the last time a lady was honest with you about anything? They wear makeup to cover up their imperfections and they wear bras to make their lady chests look bigger. They are all about deception. I don’t trust them. Do you?”
“Has anyone thought,” mused Cruz, “what kind of emotional impact paying women the same as men will have on the men? Does anyone not consider the feelings of the gender that is primarily in power and control by overwhelming majorities even though statistically they are at best equal, and really slightly in the minority?” Cruz waited a moment and then answered his own question again, “Of course not. It’s always about those poor, picked on, underpaid, under-represented women-folk. Hooey, I say! Hooey!”
Cruz seemed to realize he was lurching a bit off the rails and drew the ad hoc press conference to a close saying, “Look, the bottom line is that I just don’t think government should be telling any business owner what to pay their employees. That’s not the job of government.” Our reporter asked Cruz what he thought the role of government was then. “Oh, that’s easy,” said Cruz, “blowing stuff up, keeping the rich as rich as possible, and keeping tabs on every vagina in the country so we know if they are pregnant or not. You know, like James Jefferson and Thomas Madison wanted it.”