Ted Cruz: ‘Carly Fiorina will bring back the Cheney tradition of lying pieces of shit’ as VP

GRANITE PASS, PENNSYLVANIA — The campaign for Republican presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz (TX) has announced that Cruz is vetting a short list of people for the role of Vice President in his potential administration. One name confirmed on the list is that of former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina, who was Cruz’s rival for the nomination until she suspended her campaign a few weeks ago.

“I am pleased as pie to be vetting Carly for this most-coveted position,” Cruz told reporters after a rally in Pennsylvania this week. “Carly Fiorina will bring back the Cheney tradition of lying, pieces of shit serving as Vice Presidents.”

Cruz said that he has no respect for the job that Joe Biden has done as Veep.

“Where are the lies to start wars that help defense companies he owns,” Cruz asked in a belligerent tone. He continued, “I know for a fact that every single day Carly will be lying her face off over those squinted eyes of hers. I mean, she just looks like a liar, doesn’t she? And after all that stuff she said about this bullshit — excuse me — totally credible sting videos put out about Planned Parenthood, we know she’s willing to stoop to Cheney-like levels of self-denial and hubris.”

Senator Cruz was referring to the now infamous and widely debunked sting videos put out by the Center for Medical Progress, a devout, anti-abortion group that masqueraded as medical industry professionals attempting to buy fetal organs and tissues from Planned Parenthood. Though several states have investigated and cleared Planned Parenthood of any wrongdoing, Fiorina made herself a household name for angrily and stridently insisting that she saw a scene in one of the videos that simply has not been confirmed to exist during a primary debate, and subsequent interviews of Fiorina have left her unwilling to admit that she might not have seen the scene she was referring to.

“That kind of pig headed avoidance of the truth is truly a sight to behold,” Cruz told the media, “and that’s why I want her on my team.”

When asked, Cruz said that every name on his list belongs to a “famous liar of some sort.” He said that he also briefly considered hiring comedian Jon Lovitz to come back and do his “Liar” character from “Saturday Night Live,” but decided to go with an “IRL liar-faced lying ass liar” instead. Also up for consideration are David Daleiden, the man behind the Planned Parenthood videos, a random street sign that points to the left even though the only possible way to go is right, and Dick Cheney.

“I know, it’s weird to some that I’d consider Dick,” Cruz said, “but Dick’s always on my mind in some way. I’ve always got Dick on the tip of my tongue. So why not offer him the job. There’s nothing in the Constitution about it, so I wouldn’t mind having a Lie Off between Carly and Dick, winner take all. Whoever can lie the best, biggest, most audacious lie, wins.”

Currently, Cruz is trailing Donald Trump in the race to 1237 delegates, and likely does not have a viable path to those delegates, and would rely instead on a brokered convention making him the party’s nominee.



James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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