CRANBERRY PARK, IOWA — Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) is not usually one to issue apologies. “I’m from Texas by way of Canada by way of Cuba,” Cruz once said at a local bowling alley that was hosting a gun show-prayer breakfast-campaign fundraiser for his senate run in 2010, “and we TexaCanadiCubans don’t back down, ever. We never say sorry, for anything. Being an American patriot means never having to say sorry. We learned that from our patron saint, Ronald Reagan.” But after making what has been roundly criticized from all over the political spectrum as a classless joke at Joe Biden’s expense on the same day the Vice-President was laying his son Beau to rest, Cruz shocked the world by apologizing for his ill-timed attempt to audition for “Last Comic Standing.”
In the scientifically-proven most sincere forum possible — his Facebook page — Cruz penned an apology that in part read, “It was a mistake to use an old joke about Joe Biden during his time of grief, and I sincerely apologize.” Hours after the apology was posted, Cruz was out in Cranberry Park, Iowa for a rally in support of his 2016 presidential run when reporters caught up to him while he took his “campaignin’ suit” to the cleaners.
When one reporter from The Winston Falls Gazette asked him if there was anything else he felt he needed to apologize for — inflammatory comments he’s made or perhaps even convincing House Republicans to shut the entire government down in 2013 — and Cruz burst into a fit of truly earth-shaking laughter. “Oh, you silly little lamestream media gotcha-Nazi,” Cruz said through happy tears. “I’ve been playing the part of the heel since I hit the scene, and you want me to apologize for my past douchey behavior? The heel never apologizes, lady,” Cruz said to the 28-year-old male reporter who had asked him the question.
“When I shut the government down in 2013, that wasn’t anything to apologize for,” Senator Cruz continued. “I was doing the whole dang country a favor by stopping Obama’s hideous, insipid, Communist-Sharia-Socialist-Democrat-Urban-anti-American agenda if even for a few days. I should be given a medal of honor. I should be summarily awarded the presidency for as long as I so choose to occupy the office. But instead, snot-nosed jerkface reporters like you are focused on who couldn’t get the vital government service they needed that day. Or who couldn’t get to an IRS representative that day to fix the issue with their taxes. Which low-level government staffer I hosed out of a paycheck,” Cruz indignantly spat.
The Texas Republican took a sip of water from a bottle he was carrying. “Sure, I’m a loud-mouthed, grandstanding buffoon. But I’m an unapologetic douchey one, and that’s what my constituents voted for, so that’s who I’m going to continue to be.” Cruz went on to tell the media members on the street that he will never apologize for “douchebag comparisons” he makes “between Net Neutrality and Obamacare” or for “acting like [his] shit don’t stink and in fact if you ate it you’d never get cancer or AIDS.”
“I am a pretentious, self-involved narcissist,” Cruz said as he was walking away. “No one would pay attention to a peevish, adenoidal pedantic ideologue if they didn’t also see him do and say douchey things all the time,” the Republican presidential hopeful said. “Deep down, under the fifteen layers of utter caca that I paste over myself like a thick veneer of science denying, Southern Strategizing clown paint every morning, do I know that what I am representing is the failed ideas of the regressive and mean-spirited, frightened champions of the status quo? Maybe, I can’t really say or the act will be ruined — er I mean, I could be accused of being squishy. So just shut up and let me get back to doing what my supporters want me to do.
Disabuse them of their money in exchange for one hell of a dog and pony show. A meaningless, worthless dog and pony and show.”
Senator Ted Cruz officially announced his campaign for presidency in the 2016 election in March and has consistently placed in the bottom of the polling conducted since. He would be the first person named Ted Cruz to be elected to the office, but one of a long line of total douchebags that never sniff the general election, much less make it through the primary, should that happen.